Sexual Negotiation

In the world of BDSM, partners must have very open communication and engage in a dialogue before any activities. This is clear to those that participate properly because many scenes center around things like power and control, or bondage and restraints. Once in a “scene” the Dom is controlling the sub; but only within pre-determined boundaries. Therefore, it is often said that the sub is truly the one in control! And how do these partners determined the scene and its boundaries? Negotiation!

I open with this description because I’m learning that sexual negotiation is not a common thing outside BDSM – and it should be. Allow me to elaborate.

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Falling In Love. All Over Again.

Polyamory isn’t always about wild orgies and sex parties. Maybe for some it is, but that’s not us. And that’s precisely why we started this blog, to present a different viewpoint that includes the highs and the lows of this exploration. Simply put, polyamory is complicated and rarely easy, and those in the lifestyle need to constantly balance the pros and cons; constantly evaluate if the pleasure is worth the pain.

This past week was one of those moments where it seemed to Jeannie and me that our poly journey might need to end. We were seriously wondering if the pleasure outweighed the pain as we hit a true low point on this journey. Jeannie spiraled quickly to a very dark place this week, but I’m happy to report that we’re coming out the other side successfully.

And we’re falling in love all over again!

Continue reading Falling In Love. All Over Again.

Meeting New Play Partners

Having pretty much given up on dating apps, I’m always looking for more ways to meet potential partners IRL. I’ve met a few through my dance community, but I also have concerns about “messing things up” within that community, so I’m proceeding with caution. And regular (non-poly) events pose other thorny issues, not the least of which: “why is this dude with a wedding ring hitting on me?” 😳

Enter “Poly Cocktails” and other poly mixers. Here in NYC there’s a standing monthly Poly Cocktails event that’s free to attend and draws a respectable and respectful crowd from the poly community. There are also “munches” and other vanilla events for the community to mix and mingle with like minded folks, without the pressure of a play party. Jeannie and I have been to a few and we’ve met great folks, but really never actually met a new play partner.

That all changed recently.

Continue reading Meeting New Play Partners

Intersection of Kink and Sex

I’ve shared a lot of thoughts lately about kink and intimacy and energy without sex. So what about the intersection of kink and sex? When is this appropriate and what are the guidelines?

It’s a tricky topic. I remember telling a friend who is pretty vanilla but curious how kink scenes are distinct activities. She said, “so, wait, there’s no sex?” And I remember struggling to answer this. For me, most kink scenes are separate from sexual encounters, even if sex may follow a scene. This is very partner dependent, but for me, a kink scene requires aftercare before there is sex. And so far this was almost always the case for me – negotiation, scene, aftercare, possibility of sex.

What happens when they get mixed? Continue reading Intersection of Kink and Sex

When a Kiss is Just a Kiss

For 20+ years of monogamy, Jeannie was the only person that I kissed intimately. Right now, that’s kind of hard to imagine. See, I love kissing. For me, kissing is a simple, yet intimate act. It doesn’t require a lot of thought, or preparation, or protection. It’s fun and frisky and brings two people close together. And, don’t get me wrong – I love kissing Jeannie! And I could go back to just kissing her, no problem. Yet I do really enjoy kissing new partners and I’d rather not give that up.

What I’ve learned in the last year and a half of engaging with different partners is all but simple. Simply put, kissing is, well, complicated! If there is one given about kissing new partners it’s that there are no givens. I’ve learned that a kiss means so many different things to so many different people. And my not knowing that earlier really tripped me up a few times. It’s gotten better, but I’m still learning.

Here are my observations. (Warning – generalizations below based simply on my own experience. There no intention to stereotype here.)

Continue reading When a Kiss is Just a Kiss

A Question of Balance

I’ve had a lot of rewarding experiences lately; to recap just a few weeks:

And most recently, I took Avalon, another first timer, to a BDSM party and had an absolutely amazing experience. I tied her, teased her with some tactile toys, and flogged her. She reached a decent sub space and we spoke several times over the next few days as she rode a euphoria that she’d never felt before. Now four days out, she’s back to “normal life” with a new grounding in herself that is helping her cope with some depression. It’s such a beautiful thing!

While most of these experiences have been non-sexual, Jeannie and I are having the best sex of our lives together!

Continue reading A Question of Balance

More Non-Sexual Intimacy

After my amazing and intimate experience dancing the other night, I was looking forward to my next date with Justina just three nights later. She’d been really busy and I wasn’t feeling as closely connected as before, so I welcomed this alone time to reconnect. She made it clear to me earlier that day that she wasn’t in a very sexy mood. And since we’d mostly planned on cuddles and snuggles, I was fine removing sex from the menu. Especially at a time when I was channeling so much non-sexual energy, it seemed everything was aligned.

We spent most of the evening snuggled on her couch watching a movie. We also talked and caught up on lots of things simply because we hadn’t had time over the last few weeks. This was all quite nice, and very relaxing, but things didn’t really click (for me at least) until it was getting quite late. This was a “school night” after all!

Continue reading More Non-Sexual Intimacy

Non-Sexual Intimacy is Sexy!

It’s been a relatively quite two weeks since A Kinky Reset, and I’m pretty sure I needed it. I had a much anticipated date with Justina cancelled cause she was sick and while I was disappointed, it seemed for the best for everyone. Sometimes we have to focus on ordinary life, self-care, etc. Without a solid grounding for ourselves, how can we share with others?

I appreciated the “quiet” time, but was also getting a little anxious about various activities and partners. Despite allowing myself to properly recharge by doing the things I needed to do for myself, I was feeling disconnected from others – especially my friends. I couldn’t put my finger on why and sometimes the why doesn’t really matter. This may be one of those times.

In a mildly depressed emotional state, I entered into a weekend with a lot of friendly interaction on the calendar.

Continue reading Non-Sexual Intimacy is Sexy!

A Kinky Reset

October was quite a month. Jeannie continued seeking a boyfriend. The girlfriend relationship I’d (gladly) stumbled upon got very real. Jeannie and I celebrated our anniversary and reconnected in Miami. We had intense conversations about love and being in love. And I fell into one of my mental spirals allowing my mind to make up terrible stories based on absolutely zero reality. Through all of this we were on an emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows.

As we entered November, we were feeling a bit drained, but also very encouraged that this series of ups and downs were complete. We also had to step it up a bit because our friend T would be in town and we had some fun plans in store. T recently decided she wanted to explore kink and asked if we could find some events or activities where she could get her feet wet.

We found an event and the evening became so much more than any of us could have hoped!

Continue reading A Kinky Reset

Polyamorous Quotes and Terms

One of the endlessly entertaining things about being polyamorous is the litany of quotes and terms we’ve said or heard. I recall the first time someone asked me, “Where’s Jeannie tonight?” And I said, “On a date!” It came naturally, but I was also very aware of how unique this simple statement was at the time. It was the beginning of a long list of, “I never thought I’d say THAT!!!”

The first “bombshell” statement like this came in the form of an early blog post titled:

Found My Wife in Bed with Another Man…

And that story continued:

…so I got undressed and joined them! (Not how you usually expect that sentence to end, right?)

Since that encounter, there have been so many other things we’ve uttered that fall into the category “never thought I’d say that!” Another example:

Took my wife and girlfriend to the Sex Expo and then the three of us met up with my wife’s Dom for lunch.

There are also the more practical statements like,

Sometimes we play with our partners separately, sometimes we play together and share.

Another terrific dialogue has been around some volunteering I do as a “consent monitor” at sexy parties. As a volunteer, I get a +1 for the party and recently I asked if there was a discount code cause I was a +2. The coordinator asked:

You are a +2 as in poly? Or you have a friend that wants to go, too?

When I said poly, they gave me a +2 “in support of the lifestyle!”

Then there are some practical things like describing complex relationships:

We’re not a triad or thruple, more of a V

Or when Jeannie hosts at our apartment and I get “sexiled” for the evening. I chuckle at this one cause it sounds bad, but the term makes sense and I truly don’t mind getting out on my own now and then.

Oh, and I almost forgot my favorite statement from Justina:

No, not punishments, FUNISHMENTS! 🤣

That’s all for today. Just wanted to share some of the lighter side of the Summer of Sexiness!