Shibari. While Shibari is quite possibly the wrong term (technically) to use in most kinkster vocabulary, it’s the most common term used in the west to capture the idea of “Japanese Bondage.” I’ll spare you the dissertation on word origin and usage… Let’s just agree, simply speaking, that Shibari is the “Japanese art of rope play.” To be clear, this may be all about aesthetics and art, or it could be something painful and intense; it may include sex, it may not. My point: ropes are complicated. And for Westerners, Shibari is a good catch all term for those that admire any aspect of rope play – especially if there’s an artistic note to it.
For kinksters, ropes are complicated
Nomenclature aside, both Jeannie and I have expressed interest in rope play. We’ve had a modest number of bondage scenes using black, nylon rope – a good selection for beginners as it is easy to work with, comfortable, and unlikely to cause injury. However, we both also expressed that the aesthetic nature of Shibari, and the idea of restraint and suspension, also carried great appeal for us. Shibari is a true art that requires instruction, practice, and commitment. Where simple bondage play can be done by almost anyone, Shibari “riggers” (those doing the tying) have to make a commitment to hone their skills. And while generally safe, the use of natural rope, and the act of suspension, carry inherent dangers that need to be understood and mitigated.
Continue reading Learning the Ropes
I mentioned in the earlier post, Let’s Talk About KINK! that part of the reason I’m talking about kink is because often folks are really uncomfortable with this topic. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to make you uncomfortable! On the contrary, I’d really like to see sex topics of all kind become more normalized in our society. I’m not recruiting – everyone should choose their own path. But the conversation and possible exploration alone are enough to freak people out. It shouldn’t be this way.
When Jeannie and I began our discussions, there were a lot of topics that were still pretty much untouchable and a lot of words that suddenly required a whispering voice as if the Kink Police might break down the door and carry us away. (Come to think of it, if they arrived in latex, I’d rather enjoy the handcuffs and a little rough handling. Maybe some corporal punishment would be in order as I’m cuffed to the bars in the jail…Wait… I digress!!!)
Couples shouldn’t have to clear their browser history after searching words like bondage or spanking, yet this is so often the case. In fact, the topic is so seemingly taboo that even when one begins to embrace it, there are so many incorrect assumptions from the start.
Imagine what your partner would think if you searched for something like <GASP!> bondage!
So I encourage you, dear reader, to get familiar with some kinky (and sexy) topics. To do this, I present you two articles, both pretty lighthearted, that will entertain and educate. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find something that tickles your fancy. Or tickles something else, even!
Your Pocket-Guide Glossary for the Swinger-Open-Poly Life
A Very Sexy Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Words
PS – I’ll be back with some specific kink-talk in future posts.
Now seems like a good time expand upon the topic of Pleasure Research. This was mentioned in my last post and is a key tenet on this exploration. The word research may seem a little stuffy in this context, but when the result is pleasure, it’s quite perfect. And Pleasure Research certainly has a stronger, sexier, connotation than just research!
When Jeannie and I embarked on this journey, we focused on the most important item for us: communication. Meanwhile, there was also this undercurrent of exploration; we both knew that certain experiences would turn us on, but we most definitely didn’t know everything about our kink or fantasies. Then our friend Gigi reminded us that Mama Gena treats this exploration as (pleasure) research and I think this makes perfect sense. On the one hand, to explore pleasure, one needs to let go and simply enjoy. On the other, evaluating fully the response to said pleasure is key.
Continue reading Pleasure Research (& Some Conclusions)
When Jeannie and I began this journey, a lot of our energy was focused on how she’d experience it. Jeannie had more concerns over how this could negatively impact our relationship, but she was also seeking something to help her reach her sexual potential that we both knew was in her and waiting to be tapped. Make no mistake, I’m seeking a lot from this journey as well, but at least going into it, I had fewer doubts, and wasn’t in search of anything specific other than increased fun and pleasure for us both. It was very important that Jeannie have both a positive experience and get the attention she deserve as this began. And so far, Jeannie has had the starring role.
Be careful what you wish for!
We’ve reached the point in this journey that there is no doubt Jeannie has had both a positive experience and gotten the attention she deserves. In fact, what I’ve now come to learn is that Jeannie has tapped into a power that I love to witness, and also now want to achieve for myself. While not foolproof by any means, Jeannie has the power to seduce. She has the power to attract. She has the power of feminine pleasure. This was on full display for me to witness as we attended the House of Love party last night. And this was the first time I was seeing this happen in real time.
Continue reading He Said: Welcome to the House of Love
Early in our exploration of an open marriage Jeannie got off to a faster start than I did. She went to an erotic party (Let’s Get this Party Started) where she met her first new lover, went on her first date with said lover (Act I, Scene I) and a second (House Guest with a Twist) all before I got in on the act. A week of business travel took me out of attending the second erotic party with her (Return to the Scene of the Sublime) but on that same day I finally got my end of this party started.
My business trip technically ended on Friday, but I stayed into the weekend to attend a beach rave in Huntington Beach. Before going to the concert, Jeannie and I talked on the phone about our remaining day and night apart. She already had her plans set to go to the erotic party. So I said, “I desire to meet someone at the concert and take them back to my hotel room.” Jeannie very much approved of this and we agreed that, no matter what happened that night, we wouldn’t share stories over the phone Sunday morning. Instead, since I’d be home around 9pm Sunday, we’d share in person.
Being new to all of this, perhaps I set my sights too high. Or not.
Continue reading I Kissed a Boy (and I Liked It)
One thing I quickly learned as we began exploring an open marriage is that the terminology in this lifestyle can be complicated. (Here’s an accurate, but tongue in cheek summary of the lingo.) Open marriage seems simple enough and can even be found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary. I also began using the term polyamory until Jeannie pointed out an important nuance in that term. Those in a polyamorous relationship (often referred to as a Triad or a Quad, etc.) are committing long-term to all the members of that relationship. In many cases, they will all live together as well. So Jeannie was right in correcting me as we aren’t truly polyamorous. We have no desire to expand our current living arrangement.
It’s also interesting to note that language geeks hate the word polyamory because of it’s etymology:
There are also lots of somewhat interchangeable terms, each with its own nuance or baggage. One that I’ve come to use is Ethical Non-Monogamy, or ENM. In our case open marriage is more accurate since we are, in fact, married, and ENM is a broader term. So I guess I should stick with open marriage for the most part.
Continue reading Open Marriage, ENM, Compersion… Oh, My!
This will be a long post about our full swap with Jake and Mia. It will begin innocently, just as the night began. And, as with that night, this post will get more and more explicit…
As “awkward” was quickly replaced with “smokin’ hot!”
The plan was to meet Jake and Mia at the hotel bar, but as luck would have it, we found them checking in as we arrived. Jake immediately leaned in and gave Jeannie a passionate kiss, and then Mia did the same. Each of these actions aroused me immediately, and then I was faced with the awkward, “what do I do?” moment. (I did nothing, yet.) There would be a few of these, but “awkward” was quickly replaced with “smokin’ hot!” so it was worth it.
Before going to the bar, we went to drop stuff off in our room and Mia proceeded to shower. While in the shower, Jake began kissing and fondling Jeannie; then after a few minutes looked up at me and said, “May I kiss your wife?” As I responded, “Of course,” Jeannie was saying to Jake, “Honey, I think that ship sailed long ago!” I next said, “May I share?” and Jake responded, “Sharing is caring.” While he and I had previously exchanged a few text messages and he made it pretty clear that they “enjoy it all” I still needed to find my footing.
I was very turned on that Mia was dressed so sexily… and specifically for me.
Continue reading He Said: The Full Swap Revealed
Prerequisite post: Swinging: The Full Swap Explained
At this point, Jeannie had explored outercourse with two new men. Over the course of less than a half dozen dates, she’d experienced most of what she wanted to try with these two men. She also met a couple at one of the two parties she attended and they were very much interested in a full swap. Meanwhile, all I’d done is make out with a young woman at a Brooklyn bar and a (super hot!) surfer dude on the beach in LA. I felt like I was a little behind, but as the opportunity for a full swap presented itself with a couple that Jeannie was comfortable with, I was definitely interested.
Of course, as experienced swingers, their idea of “meet me” was to “fuck me.”
Jeannie already spent a night with Jake and Mia… and not only did everyone enjoy themselves, but they enjoyed Jeannie’s stories enough that they wanted to meet me as well. Of course, as experienced swingers, their idea of “meet me” was to “fuck me.” And between what Jeannie shared of her experience with them, and a few simple photos, I was most definitely interested. I found Mia to be very attractive and while a photo of him didn’t turn me on, I’ve found that how a man looks doesn’t (usually) turn me on, but how he acts can get me very interested.
Continue reading Lead up to the Full Swap
In swinger circles there is a lot of insider shorthand used to communicate effectively. While some of it seems a little silly, the intent is to assure that everyone has an effective way of communicating clearly. This is super important as individuals or couples may have certain behaviors or activities they really want to try, or others that are completely off the table. Upfront communication is critical.
Consent and communication are key. And NOTHING is permissible without consent.
Take, for example, the critical boundaries set by couples as they engage with each other. If two couples agree to swap, one of the first things they will agree upon is that the activity is a Soft Swap (outercourse only) or a Full Swap (intercourse permissible.) Further, participants need to clearly communicate any “hard limits” (activities they will not allow) and/or anything they may really want to experience. Consent and communication are key. And NOTHING is permissible without consent.
Continue reading Swinging: The Full Swap Explained
Many will find the title of the post shocking. Many want to never, EVER, talk about KINK.
Society not wanting to acknowledge KINK is precisely why I am talking about KINK.
There’s soooooo much to talk about here, but the bottom line is this… Kink is normal. Kink is fine. Kink is FUN! OK, not everyone will find it fun; it won’t be right for everyone. But everyone should be comfortable addressing and acknowledging kink. It’s not some dirty thing that takes place in dark dungeons (well, not ONLY dark dungeons at least.) And it certainly isn’t Fifty Shades of Grey. In the D/s world (more on that in a moment) a scene or a lifestyle could be like Fifty Shades of Grey, and that’s cool. But it’s not the most common thing you’d experience.
In my first post I mentioned Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprint and I will, again, encourage you to take this quiz. My dominant erotic persona is Kink and when I discovered this, my first feeling was concern. Actually, no, perhaps it was shame. In any case, I wasn’t excited to learn that I was kinky (although deep down I suspected this and while taking the quiz it started to become obvious based on some of my honest answers.)
Continue reading Let’s Talk About KINK!