Viktor

The Pain of Isolation

Comments from Week Five of isolation due to COVID…

Not gonna lie, it’s been a rough week. I may not be totally “isolated” in that I’m with Jeannie, yet this “new normal” is still getting old, fast. Before I proceed, I want to fully recognize that I have it better than most; if I had to guess, I’m somewhere in the top 10% of “we’re OK.” We’re healthy and safe, have each other, a comfortable apartment, and access and means to get through this safely.

Yet no matter what your personal situation right now, this is not normal, and we shouldn’t even begin to think that we’re all OK. We’re not OK. We might be getting through this, but the world is hurting right now. And each of us is hurting in different ways.

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Sapiosexuals and Sexuality

Today I’m writing about the sapiosexual and their sexuality. I’m not going to include references because, to be honest, the definition is somewhat fluid, the science is new, and the term itself can be loaded with negative connotation. Instead I’m going to discuss it with a working definition and real world understanding from one point of view: my own.

Terminology

“Sapiosexual” is a relatively new term that refers to those whose sexual attraction is rooted in their partner’s intellect. It can be said that the sapiosexual is only attracted to intelligent partners, but that might be taking the definition a bit too far because it isn’t about raw intelligence (i.e. IQ) but about how one may behave as an intellect. In other words, the intellectual attraction could be just as much based on the person’s knowledge of science as their knowledge of pop music. Separating intellect and intelligence is important.

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Isolation Activities for Kinksters

This post will NOT be entirely about kink, but will include kink. This post WILL, however, likely resonate with all kinksters as there are common threads in how we all behave.

For several days now I’ve been trying to write a post called “Love and Lust in Isolation” to recap all my (virtual) sexy connections since “stay at home” began. I keep stalling on that post and I’m not sure why. But when a kinkster friend asked me to recap my group activities, I had little trouble emailing them a small novella! So I guess I’ll start with this more general post and go back to my one-on-one stories later. In the meantime, know that there are two new partners that will come to a blog post near you very soon: Rita and Anne – both virtual. Well, they are real people, but the play has been virtual!

Now, for my sex positive friends out there, here’s my “recommended reading list for isolation” – but replace reading with activity and we’re all set!

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Couple Privilege

I’ve read a lot about “couple privilege” lately. After Jeannie posted Poly-Anna has left the building a lot of emotions were stirred up for several people. My initial reaction was, “What has she done?!?” But then, as with a lot of poly-life, I learned a bunch of new things. Despite the emotional roller coaster, I’m happy this all happened, and I’m better for it in the end.

See, here’s the problem with any “privilege” – it’s invisible to those that have it. I didn’t know from white privilege till the political world was turned on its head and racism came into the spotlight rather than lurking in the shadows. And the first time I heard the term “couple privilege” I probably rolled my eyes. Well, I’m definitely not rolling my eyes now. And if I weren’t mature enough to grow with my new knowledge, I’d be ashamed of my initial reaction.

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Rough Side of the Mountain

Polyamory isn’t easy. It is challenging. It’s complicated and conflicted. It’s messy. And that makes it hard.

But it’s also fun. It creates new opportunities. And it can be very enlightening.

Jeannie and I didn’t actually choose polyamory, it chose us. When we embarked on this journey we agreed to open our marriage, but we didn’t entirely know what that meant. It’s often accepted that open means multiple partners without emotional connection where poly includes the emotional connection. (I’m simplifying here, but work with me.) Along the open journey, we fell into poly. Despite a few snafus, we embraced it. Then we questioned it. And now we’re here. On the rough side of the mountain.

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He Said: House of Love Valentine’s Edition

Jeannie already covered this event from her point of view. Her story is spot on, but it can be fun to see it from another set of eyes. And I did have a few different experiences from her this time, so here we go.

It was a pretty amazing quickie!

Let me start from the end… Jeannie told the story of the after party sex that had to be rushed and called it a “pretty amazing quickie!” Nah, it was the best quickie ever! It was amazing sex in its own right – the fact that it was fast just made it that much more intense.

So there’s that – and it tells you alot about how positively charged the night was! Now for the rest of the story…

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When Ropes Go (Hysterically) Wrong

When I unfurled the first rope to begin our scene and the tails knocked over a glass of wine, I should have taken it as a sign that this wasn’t going to be my night.

My friend Layla was interested in being tied. Unlike previous partners, her interest was mostly in the aesthetic of tying and the beauty of the rope. Her unique perspective drove my desire to get her to an event. Since I’m more into the sensual nature of tying and also the aesthetics, I thought this would be a perfect fit. Turned out to be more like to stubborn Taurus’s butting heads.

I took her to a BDSM party and it was a lot of fun, but the night went way differently than I hoped. For example, I didn’t really consider what she does for a living and how this might impact her in a rope scene. She works in theater production and, among other things, is often rigging people or things for the stage. So she was bringing a level of technical knowledge into the scene that I’d never experienced before. And she kept asking about what I was doing with the rope.

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The Other Woman

Justina has come up on the blog numerous times. I joke that she’s “The Other Woman” and for want of a better term, I’ve referred to her as my girlfriend; and while this makes sense, like most things in polyamory, it’s more complicated than that. Even on FetLife, where there are dozens of relationship options, none of them seem quite right as a label. Ignoring labels is fine, but sometimes in conversation, we just want a simple way to refer to things. While calling Justina my girlfriend doesn’t seem perfect, it easily conveys a simple summary of our relationship to others.

What’s been fun (and challenging) has been figuring out how Jeannie and I want to integrate steady partners into our life and lifestyle. Last night was an exquisite example of when it’s gone right. Jeannie and I had decided to go to a particular BDSM party. When Justina and I were comparing calendars, we ended up on a tangent talking about these events and why we do or don’t like them. By the time we’d talked the topic to death, Justina was very interested in this event. I cleared this with Jeannie and we made plans to all go together.

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The Playscapes Party

A few weeks ago we attended a Playscapes NYC mixer leading up to a play party last week. We met three potential partners that night and left feeling generally very good about the upcoming play party. That party was this past weekend and it was a really great event. Jeannie and I most definitely pushed out of our comfort zone and tried a few new things with great success. I’ll divide this post into four sections where the first three are not TOO explicit, but the last section, well, you’ve been warned! (And will be warned again when you reach that point.)

Party Basics

To recap. we met Jenna, Connor, and Paula at the mixer. In the intervening weeks we spoke to all of them at one point or another. Jenna would not be attending the play party and we’ve become friendly with her otherwise, so we’ll see what happens outside the play parties. Paula was a bit flaky when we texted, so we didn’t really know what to expect from her. Connor, though – we really made a strong connection with him and it was clear that the three of us wanted to play together at the party.

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Sexual Negotiation

In the world of BDSM, partners must have very open communication and engage in a dialogue before any activities. This is clear to those that participate properly because many scenes center around things like power and control, or bondage and restraints. Once in a “scene” the Dom is controlling the sub; but only within pre-determined boundaries. Therefore, it is often said that the sub is truly the one in control! And how do these partners determined the scene and its boundaries? Negotiation!

I open with this description because I’m learning that sexual negotiation is not a common thing outside BDSM – and it should be. Allow me to elaborate.

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