Viktor

Rough Side of the Mountain

Polyamory isn’t easy. It is challenging. It’s complicated and conflicted. It’s messy. And that makes it hard.

But it’s also fun. It creates new opportunities. And it can be very enlightening.

Jeannie and I didn’t actually choose polyamory, it chose us. When we embarked on this journey we agreed to open our marriage, but we didn’t entirely know what that meant. It’s often accepted that open means multiple partners without emotional connection where poly includes the emotional connection. (I’m simplifying here, but work with me.) Along the open journey, we fell into poly. Despite a few snafus, we embraced it. Then we questioned it. And now we’re here. On the rough side of the mountain.

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He Said: House of Love Valentine’s Edition

Jeannie already covered this event from her point of view. Her story is spot on, but it can be fun to see it from another set of eyes. And I did have a few different experiences from her this time, so here we go.

It was a pretty amazing quickie!

Let me start from the end… Jeannie told the story of the after party sex that had to be rushed and called it a “pretty amazing quickie!” Nah, it was the best quickie ever! It was amazing sex in its own right – the fact that it was fast just made it that much more intense.

So there’s that – and it tells you alot about how positively charged the night was! Now for the rest of the story…

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When Ropes Go (Hysterically) Wrong

When I unfurled the first rope to begin our scene and the tails knocked over a glass of wine, I should have taken it as a sign that this wasn’t going to be my night.

My friend Layla was interested in being tied. Unlike previous partners, her interest was mostly in the aesthetic of tying and the beauty of the rope. Her unique perspective drove my desire to get her to an event. Since I’m more into the sensual nature of tying and also the aesthetics, I thought this would be a perfect fit. Turned out to be more like to stubborn Taurus’s butting heads.

I took her to a BDSM party and it was a lot of fun, but the night went way differently than I hoped. For example, I didn’t really consider what she does for a living and how this might impact her in a rope scene. She works in theater production and, among other things, is often rigging people or things for the stage. So she was bringing a level of technical knowledge into the scene that I’d never experienced before. And she kept asking about what I was doing with the rope.

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The Other Woman

Justina has come up on the blog numerous times. I joke that she’s “The Other Woman” and for want of a better term, I’ve referred to her as my girlfriend; and while this makes sense, like most things in polyamory, it’s more complicated than that. Even on FetLife, where there are dozens of relationship options, none of them seem quite right as a label. Ignoring labels is fine, but sometimes in conversation, we just want a simple way to refer to things. While calling Justina my girlfriend doesn’t seem perfect, it easily conveys a simple summary of our relationship to others.

What’s been fun (and challenging) has been figuring out how Jeannie and I want to integrate steady partners into our life and lifestyle. Last night was an exquisite example of when it’s gone right. Jeannie and I had decided to go to a particular BDSM party. When Justina and I were comparing calendars, we ended up on a tangent talking about these events and why we do or don’t like them. By the time we’d talked the topic to death, Justina was very interested in this event. I cleared this with Jeannie and we made plans to all go together.

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The Playscapes Party

A few weeks ago we attended a Playscapes NYC mixer leading up to a play party last week. We met three potential partners that night and left feeling generally very good about the upcoming play party. That party was this past weekend and it was a really great event. Jeannie and I most definitely pushed out of our comfort zone and tried a few new things with great success. I’ll divide this post into four sections where the first three are not TOO explicit, but the last section, well, you’ve been warned! (And will be warned again when you reach that point.)

Party Basics

To recap. we met Jenna, Connor, and Paula at the mixer. In the intervening weeks we spoke to all of them at one point or another. Jenna would not be attending the play party and we’ve become friendly with her otherwise, so we’ll see what happens outside the play parties. Paula was a bit flaky when we texted, so we didn’t really know what to expect from her. Connor, though – we really made a strong connection with him and it was clear that the three of us wanted to play together at the party.

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Sexual Negotiation

In the world of BDSM, partners must have very open communication and engage in a dialogue before any activities. This is clear to those that participate properly because many scenes center around things like power and control, or bondage and restraints. Once in a “scene” the Dom is controlling the sub; but only within pre-determined boundaries. Therefore, it is often said that the sub is truly the one in control! And how do these partners determined the scene and its boundaries? Negotiation!

I open with this description because I’m learning that sexual negotiation is not a common thing outside BDSM – and it should be. Allow me to elaborate.

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Falling In Love. All Over Again.

Polyamory isn’t always about wild orgies and sex parties. Maybe for some it is, but that’s not us. And that’s precisely why we started this blog, to present a different viewpoint that includes the highs and the lows of this exploration. Simply put, polyamory is complicated and rarely easy, and those in the lifestyle need to constantly balance the pros and cons; constantly evaluate if the pleasure is worth the pain.

This past week was one of those moments where it seemed to Jeannie and me that our poly journey might need to end. We were seriously wondering if the pleasure outweighed the pain as we hit a true low point on this journey. Jeannie spiraled quickly to a very dark place this week, but I’m happy to report that we’re coming out the other side successfully.

And we’re falling in love all over again!

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Meeting New Play Partners

Having pretty much given up on dating apps, I’m always looking for more ways to meet potential partners IRL. I’ve met a few through my dance community, but I also have concerns about “messing things up” within that community, so I’m proceeding with caution. And regular (non-poly) events pose other thorny issues, not the least of which: “why is this dude with a wedding ring hitting on me?” 😳

Enter “Poly Cocktails” and other poly mixers. Here in NYC there’s a standing monthly Poly Cocktails event that’s free to attend and draws a respectable and respectful crowd from the poly community. There are also “munches” and other vanilla events for the community to mix and mingle with like minded folks, without the pressure of a play party. Jeannie and I have been to a few and we’ve met great folks, but really never actually met a new play partner.

That all changed recently.

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Intersection of Kink and Sex

I’ve shared a lot of thoughts lately about kink and intimacy and energy without sex. So what about the intersection of kink and sex? When is this appropriate and what are the guidelines?

It’s a tricky topic. I remember telling a friend who is pretty vanilla but curious how kink scenes are distinct activities. She said, “so, wait, there’s no sex?” And I remember struggling to answer this. For me, most kink scenes are separate from sexual encounters, even if sex may follow a scene. This is very partner dependent, but for me, a kink scene requires aftercare before there is sex. And so far this was almost always the case for me – negotiation, scene, aftercare, possibility of sex.

What happens when they get mixed? Continue reading Intersection of Kink and Sex

When a Kiss is Just a Kiss

For 20+ years of monogamy, Jeannie was the only person that I kissed intimately. Right now, that’s kind of hard to imagine. See, I love kissing. For me, kissing is a simple, yet intimate act. It doesn’t require a lot of thought, or preparation, or protection. It’s fun and frisky and brings two people close together. And, don’t get me wrong – I love kissing Jeannie! And I could go back to just kissing her, no problem. Yet I do really enjoy kissing new partners and I’d rather not give that up.

What I’ve learned in the last year and a half of engaging with different partners is all but simple. Simply put, kissing is, well, complicated! If there is one given about kissing new partners it’s that there are no givens. I’ve learned that a kiss means so many different things to so many different people. And my not knowing that earlier really tripped me up a few times. It’s gotten better, but I’m still learning.

Here are my observations. (Warning – generalizations below based simply on my own experience. There no intention to stereotype here.)

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