After the exhaustion of the previous three weeks and the weird House of Love party, I was confused. What was next and what did I really want to happen? I was just about to give up and take a break, but fortunately life had other plans, putting me back on track and back into my body.
I kicked off the week with a friend for happy hour, setting the stage for a good mood all around. Then, on Tuesday night, we had plans to go to a BDSM Party with T. I was so thrilled to be embarking on this journey with her, shepherding her exploration. We all set intentions on the subway there, putting forth three desires each. My desires were: 1) to stay awake (since I had been up since 3am); 2) to play in some way at the party; and 3) to interact and flirt with others.
As we walked into the venue, I was overcome with anxiety, but tried to push past it. We were immediately welcomed into the event and soon met a number of people, actively engaging in various conversations. I saw that T was taken care of as she talked at length with the organizer and I knew that Viktor could fend for himself, so I relaxed and enjoyed meeting new people and observing a few kink scenes from the sidelines.
Continue reading And, I’m back!
At the end of my emotional rollercoaster ride and my five first dates, I was exhausted. However, Justina, Viktor and I were scheduled to go to the House of Love party on Friday night. And, while I was a little nervous, I was very much looking forward to our first foray into the world as a polycule.
Our evening became a little more complicated when Gigi not only started dating Dan (who is now my employer as well as my friend), but also decided that they, too, would attend the House of Love party. We agreed to pre-game with them as is our usual plan with Gigi pre-House of Yes events.
In addition, friends Lane and Nolan who I had met on Feeld, but befriended instead, had taken me up on my invite and were excited, but anxious, to be there. Plus, my friend K, who had had an unhappy experience at the previous House of Love party, was giving it another go. So, there would be a big group of us there together.
Continue reading Houses and Hearts of Love
I generally go to my S Factor class or on Wednesday nights and, on occasion, will schedule plans for after class. The first time I met Eric we had arranged just that.
Unfortunately, on my way to class, the subway decided to be very wonky going local (or as I like to call it, SLOWcal) instead of express. Thus, I arrived downtown way too late to make it in time. I was very disappointed to miss class and texted Viktor about what had happened. He was sympathetic and invited me to meet up with him and his colleague for drinks at our favorite Champagne bar. I was able to join them for bubbles and light bites, having a fun time despite the frustration at missing class.
At that point, I still had plans with Eric, but we had not arranged where to meet. I was feeling somewhat annoyed and contemplated canceling when he texted to say that he was running late and would 8:50 work instead of our initial time of 8:30. Still on the fence, I consulted Viktor and his friend and we agreed that I would take a playful approach.
Continue reading Getting Crumbs and Gaining Clarity
It’s amazing to think about how much has happened in just a few weeks! In late September, I was hit hard by Viktor’s revelation that he was in love with his new girlfriend, Justina. I took some time to recover from the shock, further bolstered by our wonderful weekend away in celebration of our 23rd wedding anniversary. I thought all was fine…until it wasn’t. From there, it was a deep dive into depression, with many crying jags, endless discussions and an emotional rollercoaster that truly threw me for a loop.
Eventually, I knew it was time to pick myself up and dust myself off, knowing that this painful place wasn’t where I wanted to be. I hated the selfish nature of what I was feeling and was very conscious about not derailing Viktor and Justina’s relationship. Yes, I was struggling with jealousy, envy, shame and doubt, but I knew that I needed to allow these emotions to move through my body if I was ever going to heal and move past them.
Continue reading The Alchemy of Emotion
I am admittedly single minded when I have something I want and often approach things with a “to do” list mentality. Accordingly, ever since I decided that I wanted a boyfriend (and even more so in the wake of Justina’s arrival), I have been actively pursuing this goal. Yet, unlike “Buy bread” or “Pick up dry cleaning,” it is not so easily checked off one’s list.
My most recent pursuit centered on scheduling five first dates within one week, with the expectation that at least one would work out. My further thought was to schedule as many dates as possible and to schedule them close together so I could more clearly compare and contrast each one. I thought that their proximity to one another would provide clarity in knowing who/what I wanted. In the end, it was an exercise in futility and frustration. Honestly, it was too much, too soon and too tiring.
Continue reading Five First Dates
When Viktor first told me that he was in love with Justina, it hit me hard. It took me several weeks to process the intense emotions that were unleashed. I was very confused as to what I was specifically feeling and struggled to determine if I truly felt compersion for my partner despite saying that I did.
It hurt… a lot, and I wanted to make sense of everything so I could understand and move forward. Heal. On top of all of this, I was grappling with the loss of Sam. We had initially been texting three to four times a day with the added intensity of our sexting, which then dwindled to an occasional text every few days. What was up?
I missed the interaction with Sam, not just the fun, flirty, sexual innuendo (and the more overt conversations), but also the contact and friendship. Of course, I created all sorts of scenarios to explain Sam’s telephonic absence and tried in vain to stop thinking about him. I felt the loss acutely, which felt even more painful in light of Justina and Viktor’s budding romance. I felt so alone.
Continue reading Emotional Rollercoasters and Shame Spirals: When Compersion Isn’t Enough
As shared previously, Gary and I met on Feeld back in July with the direct goal for us to engage in a D/s relationship. I had truly been desiring to explore my submissive side in a safe, sane, consensual way and was thrilled to have manifested my very own Dom!
While I haven’t documented all of our encounters, we have seen each other somewhat consistently since then, each time getting to know each other better and often delving into another aspect of D/s play.
During this time, Viktor had heard a lot about Gary, but it was only a few weeks ago that they had a chance to meet. One Saturday, we had planned to go to the Sex Expo, and since Gary would also be attending, we arranged to meet up for lunch. The day became even more complex once we realized that Justina (Viktor’s girlfriend) would also be there.
Continue reading Collared!
It was just a simple introduction on OKC – complimenting my smile and wanting to know more about me – but it was enough, along with his profile, to match and begin chatting. Thus, Sam and I were soon in an engaging conversation that captured my attention. He also introduced me to his wife, Shana, as there was the potential for us all to connect.
Within a short period of time, we scheduled our first date for post-work drinks. The dialog flowed easily and the hours flew by. We reluctantly decided to say goodnight and ended the date with a brief kiss. He texted on his way home (always a good sign and my preference) and complimented the kiss.
On our date, we had talked about deliberately taking things slowly since I am looking for a more substantial connection to which he agreed. But, apparently, my kiss kindled something intense in him since the next morning he shared a very erotic dream he had had of me. And then the sexting began… in earnest.
Continue reading A Maelstrom of Desire
As a student of all things (well, many things) related to sex, I am no stranger to sexual empowerment and have read about the transformational power of orgasm from Layla Martin, Keeley Olivia and others. But, to tell the truth, I always thought they were exaggerating. Yes, sex can be amazing, but could it really be as magical as they claimed? Spoiler alert: It can!
Last weekend, Viktor and I had a very specific sex date planned. Among his desires, Viktor very much wants to have anal sex with me and we have agreed to begin prepping in this regard. Thus, we had decided that we would engage in some anal play, namely butt plugs that Viktor had purchased for this purpose.
Continue reading Blissed Out Beyond Belief
After my date with Frank, I arrived home to find Viktor still awake. I filled him in on my evening and we talked about various topics. Eventually, we started discussing Justina. I was happy to hear about how well things were progressing with Viktor and Justina and was excited for their new relationship until…
In a somewhat casual, off-handed way, Viktor revealed that he was in love with Justina. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. It was such a visceral response. Wait, what? You just started dating two weeks ago and you are already in love with her? It hurt like hell and I began to cry. A steady trail of tears began to fall down my face; I felt fear and sadness and a host of other unnamed emotions.
Continue reading Shit Just Got Real