One day during an S Factor class, my teacher asked me, “What is your desire? How do you want to be fucked?” Tears welled in my eyes as an intense wave of sadness washed over me because I really didn’t know the answer. I felt angry with myself, but also with Viktor. How did we get here? How could I not know how I wanted to be fucked? And, if I didn’t know, how could I expect Viktor to know? And, if Viktor didn’t know, how could I expect to be fucked the way I wanted to be?
This question has haunted me for nearly a year. I have thought about it over the months, feeling into the space of where I was and where I am now. Through my S Factor journey, I have slowly made progress as I have stepped both into my vulnerability and into my power more explicitly than ever before. I am feeling these emotions more acutely as I shift my attention, change up my music choices, don a pair of black, patent, thigh-high stiletto boots and allow my body to move in new ways. I feel myself reaching out for the answer, which still hovers just outside my grasp. But… I am getting closer. Continue reading How do you want to be fucked?
I want to write a post titled: How do you want to be fucked? But, since this is a question that was posed by my dance teacher, I need to take a step back and talk about S Factor.
As I mentioned upfront, I have been a devoted S Factor student for over twelve years. I immediately fell in love with this interpretation of pole dancing from my very first Intro class. But, as much as I love this “jungle-gym for adults,” S Factor is so much more than pole tricks; it combines elements of yoga, pilates and sensual movement, along with pole, and, most importantly, encompasses an emotional journey that puts a woman in touch with her erotic self.* Continue reading The Power of the Pole
When we first started talking about the concept of an open marriage, I wanted to create a formal contract. I originally got the idea from a woman I had met at a Jaiya event who had a lover, as did her husband. She told me about their agreement and promised to send me a copy of their contract. She never did, but I liked the idea of codifying everything upfront.
Yet, it was all so hazy and nebulous that I had trouble getting started. Frankly, I wasn’t sure what I wanted it to say. I did eventually do a quick search online and found this humorous version as well as some guidelines here, but aside from this simple search, I never got around to writing one myself. Continue reading Get it in writing… or not
While I am not sure what I did “right” on my date with Jake and Mia, I clearly didn’t do anything “wrong” since they were eager to see me again. I knew that Viktor was happy for me to have had the threesome with them, but I also got the sense that he would be a little annoyed (and jealous) if I saw them again without him. Plus, I knew that he was tired of being a spectator in this “sport” and was ready to participate!
During our texts to set up our date, Jake wanted to know if this would be a Full or Soft swap. Viktor and I had agreed that if I was comfortable and willing to pursue intercourse, then he was on board and, we both felt that losing my “virginity” this second time to Jake was a good idea given my previous positive experience with him and Mia. Accordingly, I texted back: Full. I was sure that he would be pleased. Continue reading She Said: The Full Swap Revealed
My first date with Kevin (who I had met at the erotic party) was relatively tame, but really nice. We met at a casual restaurant overlooking the Hudson River, with views of the sunset.
Over drinks and a light dinner, we had a lovely time getting to know one another and feeling each other out for what we were looking for. It seemed like he wanted to take things slow, build a connection and was just generally a sweet guy. I wondered if perhaps he might be too nice/too vanilla but was open to see what would happen with time. And, I really liked his flirty texts; he had sent me a photo of his pool and noted that bathing suits were not permitted at night. Continue reading Sweet Surrender
Over the past two weeks, I had been texting back and forth with Jake and Mia (the couple I had met at the erotic party). They had initially invited me to join them at a swingers’ party, but I had another commitment on that date and we agreed that it would be better to connect as a threesome, rather than at a party, given my newness to the lifestyle.
We finally confirmed a date for the upcoming Friday. Friday morning, they advised me that they would get a hotel room in NJ (they live in NJ) and then text me the room number. I had always fantasized about participating in a threesome and was really looking forward to sharing the experience with them. I spent the afternoon leisurely getting ready – bubble bath, primping, beautifying – and trying not to get too nervous. Continue reading What to wear to a threesome
OK, this is admittedly a really long post, but it was a jam-packed party filled with lots of erotic encounters, so I hope you will enjoy the lengthy read almost as much as I enjoyed living the experience.
Since I had really enjoyed my first erotic party, I was eager to attend the same event a month later. And, while I had always known that Hank would also be at the party, my decision to attend was based solely on my own desires. So, I did look forward to spending time with him, but also hoped to meet other people and press new edges. Hank had talked about us playing together with some other (unknown) woman – me sitting on his face, while instructing her to give him a blow job, but how such a scene would come to fruition was nebulous and I expressed equal parts potential interest and trepidation. Continue reading Return to the Scene of the Sublime
After our marathon Memorial Day Weekend date, I didn’t hear from Hank much and the week that followed was quiet and uneventful in that regard. Then I departed for Italy, during which time texts from Hank were limited at best and I began to question his interest in what we were doing. I was loathe to chase him and instead waited to see what would happen. We finally made plans for the weekend of the next erotic party, but his attention was still a bit lackluster and our actual plans were only half formed, so I was admittedly anxious at the date drew near. Continue reading House Guest with a Twist
After my first date with Hank, our texting morphed into sexting, which was a new experience for me — my previous dating experiences were in the olden (aka pre-cellphone) days. Hearing my phone ding with the arrival of his sexts became almost Pavlovian as I became aroused by his missives expressing his desire to kiss me all over, taste my wetness and share an erotic dream he had had.
But, it was clear that we both wanted to move things from the virtual to the actual, so Hank and I arranged to meet up on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend for a picnic. He suggested that we could pick up sandwiches and some wine when I got to his neighborhood, but I texted back that I had a much different picnic in mind. Rather, I was imagining a sensual picnic with strawberries, blueberries, whipped cream and chocolate. He immediately acquiesced to the new plan and even asked me which kind of whipped cream he should buy.
Continue reading A Tale of Two Dates
After we met at an erotic party (See Let’s Get This Party Started), Hank and I texted back and forth during the week, eventually setting up dinner plans. As we counted down the days to our date, I was excited and filled with wonder. All week I buzzed with energetic arousal like never before. I still felt ungrounded, alive, aflame! It was amazing and exhausting all at once.
Plus, there was the anticipation of a first date after 20+ years. What to wear? What would I say? And, more importantly, what did I want? As I was getting dressed, I was texting with my friend T who asked me what my desires for the date might be. I told her that I wanted to have an open and honest conversation with Hank, get to know him better and feel out what might about what might be possible for our non-conventional relationship. I desired to feel his desire; to feel his gaze and attention; and for him to sensually kiss me on the back of my neck. Then, I headed out the door and was on my way.
Continue reading Act I, Scene I