I had been trying to write this post for weeks, then months, but it continually seemed to elude me. Throughout the Summer of Sexiness, I have learned so much about the concept of desire, but have also discovered that there is so much more to it. I had initially thought that I was just seeking desire – the desire to have sex – but, as I proceed in my sexploration, I feel certain that desire is actually enmeshed in turn-on and arousal, so it is challenging to tease out the individual strands of this issue.
In this regard, I began this pursuit thinking that it was just a lack of desire – aka low libido – that was the root cause of my “problem.” But, I now see that it is much more layered and nuanced and that libido is important, but insufficient. There is more to unpack and learn here… Continue reading Desperately seeking desire…initial thoughts
While finding my desire and turn on can be a challenge in itself (see related post), there is another, equally challenging piece to the puzzle: staying present.
Although I was (blissfully) unaware that I was doing it, for years, I would check out during sex. Yes, my body was physically there, but my mind was elsewhere. I was going through the motions, but I was not truly engaged or connected to my partner. It wasn’t until I read Madeleine Castellanos’ book, Wanting to Want, that I became conscious of my tendency to wander, recognizing that I would literally zone out as if my mind and body were completely disconnected from one another. Continue reading Turned on or tuned out?
It was Labor Day — one last hurrah before the pressures of work and life were permitted to press down on us once again. Well, maybe that’s a bit too dramatic, but we did feel that it would be our last opportunity to head to the beach for the summer. Thus, we were delighted when the day appeared to be a beautiful one, perfect for enjoying the sun and sand. And to muse on the Summer of Sexiness as the (formal) season drew to a close.
I had visited Gunnison Beach, the nude beach at New Jersey’s Sandy Hook, earlier in the summer with a friend and had a really great time. It was a very comfortable vibe, with friendly people and no pressure; simply the joy of being naked. Viktor was eager to experience it for himself, so our beach destination was easy and we got ourselves ready, packing up the car with beach towels, sandwiches and beverages. Continue reading Back to the beach
As is often the case with texting, my conversation with Andy left me unclear as to whether or not we had a date set for the Sunday afternoon after we had met at the House of Yes party. Given the ambiguity (he had offered up the date, but had not finalized a time or place), I only semi-prepared to meet up with him (which meant no make-up and a mismatched bra and panty set) and headed to my dance class wondering if I would hear from him or not.
About 30 minutes into my commute, Andy texted me that he was looking forward to seeing me that afternoon. I confessed my confusion and asked if he had a specific plan in mind. After his overt sexual advances at the party, I was cautiously optimistic that he would suggest a real date and not just invite me over to his apartment to hook up. His suggestion that we meet for a bite, drink or whatever else we wanted made me feel better about his intentions and I left it up to him to choose the venue, although I did express a desire to be outside given the lovely weather. Continue reading Afternoon Delight
Perhaps because the experience didn’t move along the action of any of the current (at the time) characters of my story, I neglected to write about my visit to the House of Yes’ House of Love party earlier in the summer. However, now that I have been back to this event, it is time to rectify this oversight and share both adventures.
In July, my friend Gigi and I decided to go to the House of Love: Animal event. These House of Love events are quasi-fetish parties and provide guests with an opportunity to dress up and slightly explore the fetish world. While not a true fetish club (and more R-rated compared to the more explicit erotic parties I have attended this summer), it is a great dance party, with fun activities and an edgier (read sexier) vibe than a usual dance party. If nothing else there is a frisson in the air that encourages people to be open to new experiences. For me, these parties provided the perfect backdrop in which to flit from one event to another all in the name of conducting pleasure research as I experimented with different stimuli. Continue reading She Said: Welcome to the House of Love
When your summer includes threesomes and swaps, you almost forget that you had a sexy weekend when it was just you and your husband (or at least I temporarily forgot when asked about my weekend on Monday night). But, in fact, it was truly a pleasure to finally dance for Viktor in my new boots. At S Factor, we are encouraged to experiment with clothing, shoes and music to coax out our innate Erotic Creature as well as to see which elements help or hinder in this regard. For some, it might be slinky lingerie, while for others it could be a sparkly tutu or a body chain.
When I first started with S Factor, I bought a pair of clear stripper heels (because I decided that the clear would match more things than black or red and you always want to be practical when buying stripper heels 😊). Anyway, I never really loved them and eventually tossed them out and replaced them with other high-heeled shoes over the years. But, it wasn’t until this June that I finally took the plunge and invested in a pair of thigh-high, patent leather, black boots. With their stiletto heel and dominatrix vibe, they make me feel powerful, sexy and in control. Continue reading These boots were made for… dancing
As I recently relayed, I sunsetted my relationship with Hank a few weeks ago and felt good about that decision. While I was hoping to find someone new with whom to establish a long-term situation, I knew that I still had Kevin in play (so to speak) and was looking forward to exploring that relationship in more depth. However, it seems to have fizzled in a most confusing manner.
When we first connected, Kevin not only texted me, but also called me on occasion. After our overnight date, which had ostensibly gone so well, he went a bit silent, so I reached out with a Bitmoji a week later. He immediately responded with his own Bitmoji and expressed interest in planning another date. I asked him for clarification on what might work for him so that I could send possible dates, but there was no response. Continue reading And then there was none…
You never know when emotions might hit you…hard. And, sometimes, the happiest of events can make you sad. Even still, I was quite surprised when I started to have a minor anxiety attack at our friends’ recent wedding. But, as it’s the first/only freak-out since this all began, I think I am doing really well managing the emotions that are being stirred up.
Anyway, it was an absolutely beautiful afternoon as the bride and groom were joined together as husband and wife, framed by the stunning landscape of the Adirondack Mountains. The light rain of earlier in the day had been banished and a cool breeze floated by. And, then, so did a butterfly, just as the bride’s brother, who was officiating the ceremony, talked about… butterflies. Continue reading A (Brief) Crisis of Conscience: Exploring the Sacred and the Profane
As I shared previously, meeting Hank truly kicked off this whole Summer of Sexiness. It was as if I had been awakened from a long, sexless slumber and felt more alive, more turned on than ever before. I was so excited to receive his texts and really looked forward to our dates and sexual encounters.
And, early on, he expressed genuine interest in me, making me feel wanted and desired. He also alluded to possible future plans and treated me very well, meeting me at the subway, making sure I got home safely and otherwise ensuring that I felt cared for and cared about. Continue reading Chapter One Comes to a Close
One day during an S Factor class, my teacher asked me, “What is your desire? How do you want to be fucked?” Tears welled in my eyes as an intense wave of sadness washed over me because I really didn’t know the answer. I felt angry with myself, but also with Viktor. How did we get here? How could I not know how I wanted to be fucked? And, if I didn’t know, how could I expect Viktor to know? And, if Viktor didn’t know, how could I expect to be fucked the way I wanted to be?
This question has haunted me for nearly a year. I have thought about it over the months, feeling into the space of where I was and where I am now. Through my S Factor journey, I have slowly made progress as I have stepped both into my vulnerability and into my power more explicitly than ever before. I am feeling these emotions more acutely as I shift my attention, change up my music choices, don a pair of black, patent, thigh-high stiletto boots and allow my body to move in new ways. I feel myself reaching out for the answer, which still hovers just outside my grasp. But… I am getting closer. Continue reading How do you want to be fucked?