Out of the Darkness Into the Light

While my last blog post decidedly ended on a positive note, in it I revealed a very dark side of emotions I was feeling. Admittedly, this Fall and Winter have been much more challenging for me on this journey compared to the lightness I experienced much of the previous year. As Mama Gena says, I have been playing ALL 88 keys (perhaps especially the sharps and flats). But, despite these negative experiences, I still believe that this journey continues to be a positive one for me and for us. Thus, I feel a renewed buoyancy as we slowly shift from the nadir of the Winter Solstice and welcome the sun’s return.

On that note, with the arrival of the new year and new decade, I am confident that Viktor and I are poised for great things in the year to come. I am encouraged by the amazing conversations and communication that we have had over the past several weeks. Yes, they have been difficult, if not downright painful, but we are yet again increasing our intimacy and strengthening our marital bond.

I have no doubt that our marriage – and our love for one another – is stronger than ever!

Moreover, I am feeling excited about his relationship with Justina as it continues to ebb and flow, evolving with time to become what they both want and need from each other. And I’m hopeful about some of the potential relationships that I am courting. In truth, I have a lot of irons in the fire and I’m waiting to see which one will be forged into the relationship that I truly desire. Along these lines, Trevor and Nate are both still in the picture and I’m enjoying their company, unsure what will or won’t happen with either, both or neither of them.

Consequently, I had a fun overnight date with Trevor recently, providing me with the opportunity to pole dance for him, which was lots of fun, despite accidentally kicking him in the shin (oops!). Meanwhile, Nate and I have not yet ventured beyond kissing, but he has expressed interest in a play date so we will see what develops in the next few weeks. Unfortunately, Gary has inexplicably ghosted so I no longer have a Dom to explore with, which has been disappointing (and confusing), but I might have a new option on that front (stay tuned!).

In the meantime, Viktor and I are finding our footing with respect to Avalon. I tried to remain open but have come to accept that I just don’t like her and am perfectly justified in feeling this way (in that I have no obligation otherwise), thus freeing myself up from unneeded angst and allowing me to stop expending energy in that direction. Moreover, our conversations surrounding their relationship have put me at ease, permitting me to move on without malice or fear.

Another bright spot in our journey was Playscapes. As Viktor had previously reported, we attended a mixer back in December in anticipation of the next Playscapes play party. At that event, we met Connor with whom I had an immediate and intense connection. In the weeks that followed, we occasionally texted each other and looked forward to connecting more physically at the event.

Once Viktor and I arrived at the play party, Connor and I quickly found each other. I really liked his sexual energy and felt very comfortable in his presence.  On an interesting side note, it turned out that Austin was also at the party, but it was nice to see him, without any discomfort or drama on either end.

A short while later, Connor invited me to go to the playroom with him, which I happily accepted. As we talked and kissed, we were joined by Viktor. The three of us slowly engaged in play as Viktor tied a shibari harness on my chest, easing me into the sex scene. I was admittedly nervous since I had only played full on at a play party once before and it was with the help of edibles. On this occasion, I was resolved to be fully present and clearheaded and deliberately abstained.

Once we got going with kissing, touching and undressing, it felt powerful and heady to have both of their attentions directed at me. I was very aroused as was Viktor and the two of us were soon having penetrative sex, which was very enjoyable. I then hoped to have penetrative sex with Connor, but he had a little bit of performance anxiety, so we took a short break. Eventually I had sex again with Viktor, climaxing intensely, which was a very pleasant surprise given the public nature of the event. Somehow I was able to block out the “noise” of others around us and just focus on the pleasurable sensations of being with the two men.

Awhile later, we decided to get dressed and return to the bar area for drinks. During this time, Connor noted that his previous play party experiences had all been with couples, so I thought that he might enjoy the opportunity to have some alone time with me. I asked Viktor if that would be okay with him; he agreed and departed. I advised Connor that if he wanted me all to himself, he could have me. He eagerly consented and we returned to the playroom, disrobed and were soon having sex, which was a lot of fun, bringing us both to climax. We were then rejoined by Viktor, who had been watching from afar. At this point, Connor excused himself (and ultimately left to head home as it was getting quite late), while Viktor and I had sex again before calling it quits, ending on a high note as Viktor exploded in a beautiful, energetic orgasm.

Being surrounded by sexy sounds and scenes was very intoxicating to both of us and made us realize that we crave to play again and engage with more people. We look forward to navigating this new piece of the puzzle as we discover our sexual interests and desires. Bright lights indeed!

Published by


While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

One thought on “Out of the Darkness Into the Light”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.