Polyamory isn’t always about wild orgies and sex parties. Maybe for some it is, but that’s not us. And that’s precisely why we started this blog, to present a different viewpoint that includes the highs and the lows of this exploration. Simply put, polyamory is complicated and rarely easy, and those in the lifestyle need to constantly balance the pros and cons; constantly evaluate if the pleasure is worth the pain.
This past week was one of those moments where it seemed to Jeannie and me that our poly journey might need to end. We were seriously wondering if the pleasure outweighed the pain as we hit a true low point on this journey. Jeannie spiraled quickly to a very dark place this week, but I’m happy to report that we’re coming out the other side successfully.
And we’re falling in love all over again!
The past week was difficult for each of us in entirely different ways. While I violated none of our rules or guidelines, some aspects of my behavior and partner choices really bothered Jeannie. As she struggled to communicate the challenges to me, she became depressed and even suicidal because she didn’t see a path in which we could fix what was wrong. At the same time, I was struggling because I saw Jeannie’s pain, but I wasn’t able to reconcile my actions with her response.
If I followed all the rules, how did I end up hurting her so much?
The question above may be the most loaded question in any open relationship. This is because you cannot possibly set rules and guidelines for every situation, nor can you accurately predict what actions will become triggers. Since I allowed myself to believe my actions were beyond reproach, I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture.
Thankfully, Jeannie was able to focus her thoughts and insist on time for us to talk. “I hope we can save our marriage,” she said in a text arranging the talk. This was an absolute slap in the face because I never once considered that we’d be in danger of losing each other; I’d always felt that we’d just change course once again. I was hoping this was still true, but very concerned why Jeannie thought it wasn’t.
The next morning we sat on the couch with our dog and fresh coffee while engaging in a heartfelt and difficult conversation about our relationship. It turns out that Jeannie had less issue with my actions regarding recent partners and more issue with something entirely outside our poly lifestyle. Simply put, Jeannie felt she was losing me, not to my sexual partners, but to my music and dance community! (And recent play partners came from that community.)
I’m not jealous of your new partners, I’m jealous of where you found them.
Suddenly lots of things fell into place and these are covered well in Jeannie’s post. She thought we couldn’t save our marriage because I couldn’t adjust my connection with the community that has given me so much this year. But she was wrong. That community, while important to me, and driving so much of my life and lifestyle today, means nothing compared to Jeannie. Not only that, but there are tangential groups and events that Jeannie and I enjoy together but haven’t focused on exploring. With that, we set a new path forward for 2020 – where I’ll likely go to less raves without her, and go to more Burner events and variety shows and other dance events with her.
She thought she was asking me to change course on something that had become an integral part of who I am, and she wasn’t wrong. But I guess she miscalculated how important that bond was (to the music and dance community) compared to the bond that she and I share. The result is an exciting, if challenging, path forward – and that we feel like we’re falling in love all over again!
We’re truly falling in love all over again!
As it would happen, this conversation was on a Friday morning and the weekend was blocked for both Saturday and Sunday date nights. We made a last minute decision to attend a witchy, geeky themed burlesque show for the Winter Solstice on Saturday night and the event was absolutely perfect. It was fun and sexy and quite healing for us in our current state. It was a deliberately selected early show so we could go home and play together as part of the date.
We held true to an original plan that Saturday was focused on me and Sunday was focused on Jeannie. With that in mind, after the show on Saturday, Jeannie took the time to focus all her sexual energy on me and my pleasure. It was exquisite! Then on Sunday, I arranged a D/s and ropes scene with the goal to drop Jeannie as deep in her pleasure as possible and force her to beg for me to fuck her. While she wasn’t quite at the point of actual begging, the scene, and the sex, had precisely the result we desired – to allow Jeannie to truly lose herself in her pleasure and get out of her head for a couple of hours.
As I write this on Monday morning, I feel very comfortably grounded. I also still have the frenetic energy flowing through me of many unknowns and the many challenges still ahead. But my grounded feeling is because all of that energy now has a direction so I can focus it on the journey ahead instead of on the struggles of the moment. I’m confident that, together, we can overcome any challenge and, in fact, improve ourselves from these challenges.
I’m simply thrilled to be falling in love with my wife all over again. There’s a lot to look forward to in 2020!