As noted previously, the act of compersion is deriving pleasure from the pleasure that your partner receives from others. However, over the past several weeks, I haven’t been able to move beyond my own pain to focus on Viktor’s pleasure. Instead, I am feeling quite miserable and had been suicidal for a short time.
In truth, this month has been incredibly difficult for me. I thought I was finally in a really good place about Justina and Viktor, but then Viktor took Avalon to a BDSM party and now they are play partners.
Compared to a girlfriend, this should be easy for me. Yet it is still so hard. First off, when I got home after their play date, there was some confusion between Viktor and me because I thought I was going to have dinner with them, but due to various reasons, it didn’t work out and I felt left out. Also, they were in the den eating and watching TV, which is not a welcoming setting compared to if they had been sitting at the dining table.
That being said, the other, more important, thing is that, again, this isn’t simply a sexual connection. In fact, I am not sure if Viktor is capable of such a thing. He knows Avalon from the music community in which he is so immersed, so they already had a strong energetic connection before sex was introduced. I had already been jealous of the time he spends in this community and, for the majority of the time we have been open, had actually been focused on trying to find partners who were available on Friday and Saturday nights, since I was spending so many of those nights home alone.
When Viktor shared his encounter with Avalon with me, instead of being turned on or happy for him, I had an intensely visceral, negative response – – I screamed and began to hyperventilate. It was scary and uncomfortable. Even a few days later, it was still so raw and painful to talk about and I again started to breath irregularly.
I don’t want him to censor himself, but I can’t change what I am feeling, no matter how much I want to. So it has been challenging as we navigate this latest chapter.
And the three times I have been in the same room with her, she has hugged (or attempted to hug) me without my consent, which is offensive and uncomfortable to me. I don’t know why she thinks I would want any contact from her – physical or otherwise. Does she think I want to be friends? She is fucking my husband, I am never going to be friends with her.
Further, in reflecting on what has been coming up for me emotionally, I realize that for me, sexual intimacy doesn’t mean that much; it’s just sex. But emotional intimacy is sacred. I can only share that with Viktor. The fact that he can share it with others hurts like hell and makes me feel shut out. I know he loves me, but if he can have such a sacred bond with more than his lawfully wedded wife, where do I fit in anymore?
I am not sure what this means going forward. I am trying to stay open (both literally and figuratively), and not close out Viktor’s activities because I don’t want to be unfair or be hypocritical, although we agree that we are not precisely comparing apples to apples.
I am also reexamining my interest and motivation for being poly. When we first began this journey, it was all about finding my sexual turn on and desire. I don’t know why it took such an unconventional approach to do so, but I have found it in spades and am so thankful for the experience and for getting to this place in my sexual awakening.
But, I don’t think that having multiple partners is necessary anymore for this particular aspect of my journey. I think that I can continue to find my desire with Viktor alone. I am not making any snap decisions, but I am simply trying to figure out what makes sense for me and our marriage.
In the meantime, I have said goodbye to Austin because, at 28, he is a child (or at least acts like one – living with three roommates, no guest towel in the bathroom and behaving in a juvenile manner) and I deserve a man. I am still seeing Trevor and Nate but am not sure if either of these relationships is going anywhere. Neither of them likes to maintain ongoing contact and there are long stretches of time between texts and making plans. As it is, I have only had four dates with Nate even though we first connected in late September and only marginally more interactions with Trevor in a slightly shorter timeframe. I feel like I am waiting around to be remembered, which doesn’t feel good; I wanted to feel wanted and desired.
Going forward, Viktor and I are continuing to talk openly as we head into the new year — exploring opportunities, reconsidering rules and boundaries and overall choosing what is best for us.
We have also spent a lot of time talking this past week about finding new ways to spend more time together. More specifically we hope to explore new interests and activities that include, rather than exclude, me. Over the past few years, his music community has been very important to him and very time consuming and immersive. I don’t begrudge him for getting so involved on the surface, but I have felt very left out of his life even before we opened up our marriage. This new journey seeks to bring us back to each other.