A Confluence of Conversations

We are constantly having a flurry of conversations with others… and with ourselves. Even if it’s just in our head. And, despite the fact that there is only one person involved in such discussions, they, too, can be contentious or at least less than straightforward.

For our first date outside meeting at the BDSM party, Austin came over to our apartment for a scene . I was clear with him up front that I didn’t know if I would want to have sex with him. He was okay with this, so we agreed to proceed. That evening, we had a four-hour scene with rope and sensual play, taking turns as Dom/Mistress and sub. Things did become very physical, but I deliberately chose not to engage in penetrative sex because I didn’t really know him and I wasn’t sure where things were going with us. Was this date simply a one night stand?

I was still unsure what I wanted to happen on our second date, but knew that I wanted to get to know him better. Thus, I requested a non-scene date. He offered to cook me dinner and go to a paint and sip event near his apartment.

We had a lovely dinner and then snuggled and kissed for a bit afterwards before heading to the art event. We then returned to his apartment and got cozy on his bed. Things progressed with time and we were eventually both naked and enjoying each other’s bodies, but I told him that I wasn’t sure I wanted to have sex. As we continued to tease and turn each other on, I began to have an in-depth conversation in my head.

The central question for me was whether to have (or not to have) sex with Austin. It should have been a simple question with a simple answer: yes or no. Yet, it was far from simple. I wondered whether we would see each other after that night. Did I want that? What did I want from him? For us? Would this become a one night stand after he got what he wanted, aka sex? Would he stop calling and texting? Does he care about me or is it just sex?

I worried that this encounter would become just another sex partner added to the list. I didn’t want a lengthy list of names of men I had had sex with. All of this turmoil pointed toward saying no. This was a situation fraught with lots of uncertainty and I wasn’t sure how having sex would be a favorable decision amidst all of it.

Concurrently, another part of my brain thought that saying yes to sex was just easier. There was the ease of his climax versus giving him a hand job or oral sex. There was the ease of repayment for dinner and the event (I had only paid for the wine). It was just easier to skip ahead, zone out and just give in. I had knowingly turned him on, he clearly wanted to have sex (he stated it verbally), it was simply expected and on and on. So, why not? Why not simply say yes and have sex with him?

It was a two-sided argument with only one participant and despite all of the rhetoric and discussion points, none of the conversation addressed the real question: Did I want to have sex?

Thankfully, I was eventually able to turn off my mind. I waited and felt into what I was feeling, not thinking. And, what I felt was Austin’s energy. I felt aroused. I felt alive. I felt wanted. I felt desired. And I realized that I desired him. I truly wanted to have sex. So, I said yes, enthusiastically!

I trusted my body to tell me what I wanted and it was a deliciously orgasmic experience. I felt really good about my decision afterward and had no regrets or remorse about it.

Meanwhile, Tim and Nate had gone radio silent, recently, and I wondered if they were still interested in dating me. I made up scenarios in my head as to why they weren’t getting in touch.

While I would be disappointed if these relationships had run their course, I wanted to know. I wanted the closure. So, I used a technique to “locate” where they were with regards to me and our relationship. I texted each of them, indicating that it seemed that they weren’t interested in pursuing our respective relationship and asked, Is that true? They each texted back within 48 hours, confirming their continued interest in me. Nate readily acknowledged his lack of communication and explained that he was going through a rough time and didn’t want to seem like he was complaining. As a result, he had said nothing. Meanwhile, my head had concocted a story that his monogamous primary partner was having issues with him dating others and therefore he didn’t want to see me anymore. In fact, he revealed that he had been thinking of me every day.

Clearly, there is a need for better, more ongoing communication in all relationships. I understand and respect privacy, but it is so helpful and necessary to just send a quick text to let someone know what is going on. Along these lines, I was most appreciative when Gary reached out to tell me that he was dealing with some personal issues and needed to go dark for awhile. Simple, yet effective. I felt valued and respected and, in turn, respected his need for space. He later told me that it had taken him 30 minutes to craft the text, but I assured him that his time and effort had been well worth it.

No matter where we are in a relationship, we need to have clear and open communication with our partners – and with ourselves. And when it is an issue of feeling instead of thinking, we need to know how to trust ourselves and navigate that conversation as well. Anything else is just a waste of time and energy.

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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