Houses and Hearts of Love

At the end of my emotional rollercoaster ride and my five first dates, I was exhausted. However, Justina, Viktor and I were scheduled to go to the House of Love party on Friday night. And, while I was a little nervous, I was very much looking forward to our first foray into the world as a polycule.

Our evening became a little more complicated when Gigi not only started dating Dan (who is now my employer as well as my friend), but also decided that they, too, would attend the House of Love party. We agreed to pre-game with them as is our usual plan with Gigi pre-House of Yes events.

In addition, friends Lane and Nolan who I had met on Feeld, but befriended instead, had taken me up on my invite and were excited, but anxious, to be there. Plus, my friend K, who had had an unhappy experience at the previous House of Love party, was giving it another go. So, there would be a big group of us there together.

I made sure to head to the grocery store in advance of everyone’s arrival at our apartment and set up all of the food and wines, wanting everything to look perfect for our guests. Eventually Justina, Gigi and Dan arrived and we enjoyed light bites and drinks before finalizing our costumes and heading out.

Once we arrived and hit the dance floor, my inner Julie McCoy-cruise director kicked in. I felt very responsible for making sure that everyone was taken care of, watching out intently to find various friends and making sure they were all having a great time.

Seeing that Gigi and Dan were kissing, Viktor and Justina were dancing, and that Lane and Nolan were off somewhere, I accepted K’s invitation to go dance on the elevated platform, eager to be a good friend and to have somewhere to put my attention. We continued to dance together for about an hour or so and then went off to the flogging station for our respective scenes. Once done, I knew that Viktor’s volunteer shift had begun and I went off in search of him. I found him dancing with Justina and tentatively joined them. I felt like a third wheel. I didn’t know how to behave or act. I was confused and felt a little left out, even though neither of them did anything specific to make me feel that way. I just wasn’t sure where I fit in if I am not Viktor’s one and only?

A short while later, Justina was ready to head home and kissed Viktor goodbye. I averted my eyes and gave them some privacy. Then, he and I remained on the dance floor, but I was overcome with sadness and a little FOMO of having been focused on everyone but myself. I had had a nice night, but not an awesome night and felt a little cheated.

Viktor and I continued to dance, rejoining with K as well as with Lane and Nolan, as Viktor’s volunteer shift ran for another hour and a half. At one point, Lane turned to me and asked if she could kiss me. I was very flattered by the invitation and happily consented. It was very hot and exciting, but I knew that nothing would come of it beyond the dance floor, which was fine. At this point, she is first and foremost a friend, not a potential play partner.

Yet, even that delicious kiss couldn’t fully pull me out of my funk and as we headed home in the cab, I allowed to tears to flow. It was initially tense because I knew Viktor was upset with me for being in my negative emotional state, but he was unaware as to why I felt the way I did. I gave him permission to feel whatever he wished to feel, but asked him to hold off on sharing his frustration with me in that moment. He agreed and, instead, reached out to comfort me and I let him.

As the tears subsided, I was able to explain what I was feeling and why, giving Viktor insight and context, which helped him to better understand the state I was in. I felt extremely connected to him and felt his love and support.

We arrived home exhausted, but in a really great place, and fell asleep soon after getting into bed. The next morning we continued our conversation, working through anything still left unsaid and allowing us to address all of our varied emotions. I felt very good about where things stood with Viktor and Justina as well as with Viktor and me. It hadn’t been the most amazing House of Love event for me, but there was no doubt that my heart was filled with love.

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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