Five First Dates

I am admittedly single minded when I have something I want and often approach things with a “to do” list mentality. Accordingly, ever since I decided that I wanted a boyfriend (and even more so in the wake of Justina’s arrival), I have been actively pursuing this goal. Yet, unlike “Buy bread” or “Pick up dry cleaning,” it is not so easily checked off one’s list.

My most recent pursuit centered on scheduling five first dates within one week, with the expectation that at least one would work out. My further thought was to schedule as many dates as possible and to schedule them close together so I could more clearly compare and contrast each one. I thought that their proximity to one another would provide clarity in knowing who/what I wanted. In the end, it was an exercise in futility and frustration. Honestly, it was too much, too soon and too tiring.

In general, the advantage of OKCupid to Feeld has been the ability to be more explicit and upfront in asking for what I truly want in terms of a relationship and boyfriend. And, for the most part, this has attracted a higher quality interaction with matches. Some of the initial online conversations have been very interesting and engaging, prompting me to want to meet them in person. But, despite my diligence, my agenda item remains unaccomplished.

José Suave
My early online discussions with Jose were engaging and varied. We talked about our experiences with polyamory, past and current relationships, careers, life philosophy and more. I eagerly awaited our first date, but was a little concerned that, while not unattractive, I didn’t think he was my type, physically. Our date was really lovely. I liked who he is as a person and the conversation flowed easily and effortlessly, as we stayed out late just talking. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel a sufficient connection to him. I was going to go out with him again to give him another chance, but I can’t manufacture desire, so it seems pointless to do so. I feel badly because I really liked his emotional intelligence and energy, but I just don’t feel attracted to him.

Gary the Gaslighter
Gary waited until the last minute to confirm our date and provide a location. He lives in the east 20’s and we had agreed to meet up in Chelsea since the west side is more convenient for me and it wouldn’t be too far for him to travel. Instead, when he finally sent me the meeting place, he had chosen a restaurant on Third Avenue and 30th street. I did initially say I would meet him there, but changed my mind 20 minutes later (and still at least an hour before my scheduled arrival) due to the change of neighborhood (and thus the violation of our agreement). But even though I gave him sufficient notice, he still showed up at the restaurant and then proceeded to get nasty with his texts, calling me flaky for not showing, and congratulating himself on his integrity and my lack of it as well as mansplaining the term irrefutable. It shook me up a bit because I had never had such a negative experience with someone, but glad I didn’t waste my time. As my friend K said, “If he can’t walk 7 minutes, I’d question his ability to find a clitoris. #justsaying.” I have to agree!

Rob Zombie
Rob and I arranged to meet up in the neighborhood, which is near both his home and office, but until I pushed further, he was going to simply let us meet up on a street corner. Um, no! I asked him to choose a particular restaurant given our previous cuisine preference discussion, which he finally did. He said he would meet me at a particular sushi place between 6:45 and 7:00pm, because he had a meeting until 6:30. However, when I arrived at the restaurant at 6:45, I discovered 1) that it had gone out of business and 2) no Rob. When I texted Rob to advise him of this, he casually mentioned that he was running late because the meeting had run over. I was annoyed that he hadn’t thought to let me know in advance. He then told me to meet him at another sushi place nearby rather than coming to get me and then, upon my arrival, proceeded to hug me without asking (a relatively minor offence, but I was already annoyed at him and the situation). Then the whole date proceeded to feel like an interview – a long, boring interview. And, again, there was no chemistry for me. I left without revealing my true identity and, when he texted to make a second date, I told him I was no longer interested in pursuing anything with him.

Nico, Neutral, but Nice
I had really liked the introduction that Nico had made on the app and was intrigued by the follow up conversation and his fun sense of humor. Thus, I looked forward to meeting him. His dating profile pic only showed his chin and when I asked for a full-face photo so I could have the same ease at recognizing him at the bar that he would have of me, he refused, citing privacy concerns. I agreed to meet him anyway, choosing to see it as a fun, cloak and dagger element. Our actual date was fine, but really, only fine; there were very long silences in between various topics and I wasn’t overly interested in or attracted to him. At various points in the evening, I wanted to leave but didn’t know how to do so gracefully. The bright side was that he was generally a good guy and sent me a nice note the next day saying that he had enjoyed meeting me but didn’t think it was a dating match. We wished each other well.

Paul the Ghost
The final date of the week started well. He had made a reservation in advance in the agreed upon neighborhood, after checking with me about what kinds of food I liked. We had a drink at the bar before heading to the table, at which point I revealed my actual name. He seemed really sweet; we had a good series of conversations, without a loss of words and he asked good questions. Afterward, he walked me to the subway and we hugged goodbye, but he didn’t follow up with a text, so I unmatched with him the next day. Again, I felt no chemistry. Perhaps he could sense it too and chose to simply ghost?

After Wednesday’s date, I could have easily had a sixth date with Jon that had been tentatively scheduled for Sunday afternoon, but, I determined that I needed a quiet weekend, with time to recuperate from the dating scene. I was also not attracted to his photo, so presumed that again, there would be no chemistry. I was also a little concerned about some of the D/s discussion we had had during our lengthy interactions, so I canceled the date and unmatched altogether.

At this point, I am frustrated and unsure how best to proceed. I think I still want to manifest a boyfriend and find the kind of relationship that Viktor has with Justina, but a part of me wonders if that is possible. I haven’t felt overly connected to any of the men I have dated with the exception of Sam. Am I capable of having deep feelings for anyone other than Viktor? I have hope about Charlie (who I met on OKC back in September), but it is early days and things are proceeding very slowly. Slowly isn’t necessarily bad, but my patience is wearing thin and again, I am anxious to get that “to do” list completed. I’ll just need to wait and see. But, I am definitely NOT going to schedule so many first dates in a row again!

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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