It’s Beauty and Rage

“But you saw more
You saw my deepest part
With the light of a thousand stars
You saw them, awake in me

And through your eyes
You show me everything
You woke me up inside
Brought back to life
I lost myself
Now I breathe again”

The title of this post comes from the refrain of one of my favorite songs to dance to in class: The Ever by Red. And, with this emphasis on rage, beauty, and haunting lyrics that speak to being seen, I thought it was perfectly apropos for sharing this experience.

Specifically, I had a profound dance at S Factor last weekend during an EC (Erotic Creature) Romp — a 4-hour, immersive workshop. During my first dance, I had my hands tied behind my back. It felt thrilling, straining against the binds — the yearning to touch, to break free…and the vulnerability of being bound and restrained. I pulled against the taut strings; it was like music being drawn out slowly through the air. I felt the raw depth of forcing my body into new shapes, breaking old/stagnant patterns and pushing against bonds and boundaries.

Then, in my next dance, I changed my outfit and style of music and preceded to explore the Dangerous Challenger EC icon whose core emotion is anger. But, as my teacher explained, it is not just anger for the sake of anger, but anger that needs to be met. I donned my patent leather, thigh-high boots; a ripped, red top; sexy black skirt; and kept on my stretchy, elastic harness. I climbed the pole and waited for the music to start, unsure what to expect. As Karmin’s voice pierced the silence, I became electric. The shock and awe of wielding a chain, first as a belt and then as a weapon. It loudly clanged on the floor, fueling my energy, my heat, my turn-on; my power!

Afterwards, my teacher reflected back my dance to me seeing a parallel between the two. This is a continuation of the first dance, she said. You want to provoke, asking the observer: What are you going to do about it? The “it” being both my rage and my passion. And what did I want? She suggested that I wanted to be tied up. I don’t doubt her assessment.

My foray into Shibari, first with Victor, my equally erotic encounters with Ryan and also the use of restraints with Jake and Mia have been intense and beautiful allowing me to expand in so many ways as I surrender and sought attention to truly be seen.

Being seen…I keep coming back to this. I want people to really see me. But to what purpose? As Red sings, “But you saw more/You saw my deepest part/With the light of a thousand stars/You saw them.” Sexually, I think it hearkens back to how I want to be fucked. If you really see me (and get me) – you will presumably know the answer without having to ask.

There is a real truth here that requires and deserves more exploration, reflection and experience. I feel that I have tapped into something very telling. And the dance sparked a new fantasy: the Dom who becomes the sub… how hot is that?

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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