I listen to a variety of podcasts on my daily commute and they range from the very “vanilla” This American Life, to the very sexy Torrid Souls as well as the sex based but somewhat more clinical (and humorous) Savage Lovecast. And while listening to the latter recently, Dan said something that really resonated with me.
A caller basically said that he and his wife began swinging (swapping) and were really enjoying it. In fact, they found one couple that they’ve been “regulars” with and they all really enjoy their sexy swaps together. Then the caller said:
The only problem is that I don’t enjoy the way she gives blowjobs and, in fact, for me her method is painful. I can tell that her husband thoroughly enjoys this, but I do not. Yet how do I tell her that she’s doing it wrong with her husband right there next to us? Aren’t I calling her out? Isn’t this a bad move on my part?
If we were alone I’d have no problem giving some guidance, but in the company of others… what’s the etiquette here?
Dan opened with, “Why would you avoid telling her what you want in front of her husband if you would tell her in private?” He went on to say that this is a hang up for a lot of participants in group sex, but one he doesn’t understand. He gave this specific advice on the feedback:
Just tell her that she clearly has a talent that her husband enjoys, but you need her to be more gentle. All penises are not alike and yours appreciates a soft touch while his likes it rough.
Dan went on to say that group sex participants, “must be good at public speaking.” This was somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but his point is that you shouldn’t fear speaking up. You are joining in this group to have fun and to give/receive pleasure – shouldn’t everyone communicate to reach the most pleasurable experiences possible?
Of course, he’s absolutely right. And I’ll take this to heart (and hope Jeannie will, too.) When we were first with Jake and Mia, I took great pleasure in how often Jake “checked in” with Jeannie. He was giving her quite a fucking, and while I was enjoying watching, listening, and touching as he did, neither of us (Jake nor I) could know for sure that Jeannie’s screams were pleasure and not pain. Nor could we tell if she was getting tired or sore or had just had enough for the moment.
Jake’s experience gave him the understanding to know that Jeannie might be shy to speak up, so he asked at regular intervals – and often did, in fact, get Jeannie to say, “yeah, I need a break!” Now Jeannie speaks up more on her own, but this idea of “public speaking” is a great one to keep in mind. I know that I’ve been shy about this, too. So I’ll start being more vocal with my desires.
Not to mention, sex talk can be hot, as well as instructional!