Jeannie wrote a deep and beautiful post recently that covered a lot of ground and was quite revealing. It moved me instantly, but I haven’t had a chance to follow up. And, honestly, I was also processing it and some of our poly-encounters since. Nothing troubling occurred, yet I was looking at some of these encounters through a new lens. And I needed some time to fully absorb all of it.
From that post, there are two points in particular that struck me:
- Getting caught up in the excitement
- Compersion and cupcakes
These are actually more related that I initially thought.
Caught up in the Excitement!
Something that had been concerning me was Jeannie’s borderline compulsive response to the attention she was getting on the dating app Feeld, and dating in general. A big turn on for her is all the attention she’s getting from others and I fully support this. Yet it seemed as though she was compelled to use the app more and more, and go on more dates, despite a very busy calendar. Her dates were often at times when I’ve had other commitments and were, therefore, not taking away from us. Yet I was getting concerned that she was going too fast. We addressed this openly a few times and she most definitely heard my feedback, but also needed to do her thing.
Seeing this as a “no harm no foul” kind of thing, I kept my antenna up, but let her proceed as she needed. I definitely felt that I was taking a little bit of a backseat in terms of her energy, but we’ll come back to this in a bit as this is the “cupcakes” part of the story. At the same time, as before, Jeannie would go on a date and return to me often super turned on and ready to use that energy in the pursuit of, well, ME!
I was feeling really torn!
On the one hand, wasn’t this exactly what we said we wanted? On the other, why wasn’t I the primary turn on? Well, first of all, saying that I was not is just me being a little insecure. And, yes, this really was what we wanted! Further, I truly trust Jeannie and needed to continue in letting her find her way.
Sure enough, Jeannie has started to come around to the point I’d been seeing – the level of focus she was putting into dating wasn’t sustainable. Better yet, she found this out through her own actions. It was a little difficult for me, but in the end I’m super happy that I didn’t let myself try to shut her down in any way. And while we’re still both looking for a balance, Jeannie is way more in tune to both her own limitations (mostly time and energy) and the balance we need to be a happy couple.
Compersion and Cupcakes
So let’s get to the good stuff! While the commentary above is somewhat heavy, this part is more fun and lighthearted. I love Jeannie’s reference to cupcakes and how one can be jealous that someone has a cupcake, but that doesn’t have to be pointed at that someone personally.
I can be jealous that you have a cupcake (because cupcakes are delicious, duh 😉)
So here’s how this plays out:
- Jeannie gets a sexy cupcake
- She has more free time and, as a female, gets more attention on the apps
- Viktor wants more cupcakes
- He feels some jealousy over the cupcakes that Jeannie is eating
- And yet Viktor enjoys the energy Jeannie gets from these cupcakes
Well, the easy answer is that Viktor needs more cupcakes!
But unlike actual cupcakes, the dates that I crave can’t simply be purchased in a store. So instead I’m focusing on the energy Jeannie gets from each of her cupcakes. And, at the same time, I’ve taken certain steps in my pursuits that may provide me with more cupcakes, too.
This poly-thing is complicated! There are definitely ups and downs, but we’re still in a really great place on this journey. And as we approach a year of having explored this, I’m convinced that we’re just getting started!