Je ne regrette rien

On Friday, in my S Factor class, my teacher called me a Super Goddess and talked about how I had been revealing and, standing for, my truth over these past few months. It was perfectly timed feedback since she had also shared with us about the arrival of the New Moon that night and our ability to take advantage of that to set intentions for our future desires.

Coincidentally, when I got out of class, there was an email from Viktor, who had forwarded me a blog post about the New Moon from the Alchemist’s Kitchen. As I read the article, I was profoundly struck by this statement: “At the same time, we may be questioning what outmoded commitments and obligations are holding us back that we now need to break. However, this period is not about running away. Aries the Ram is confrontational, and we’re learning to face each other—to confront our feelings so we can work through the messier, illogical aspects of our lives and relationships.”

In addition to the New Moon synchronicity, this discussion was also apropos because I had reached out to Jay the night before. After everything that happened with Jay at the recent erotic party, I didn’t know precisely where things stood with him. I had followed up with him immediately after the party to apologize and received a brief response. Then, just prior to heading out on vacation, I asked him if I was persona non grata; he noted that he was not like that and wished me the best on our trip. However, I still didn’t know if he wanted to resume our relationship or not. And, frankly, I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him either. I just knew that things felt unfinished and I wanted to know his thoughts at the very least.

So, I sent him a text, indicating that I didn’t know what he wanted and was thus leaving it to him to reach out if/when he was interested. He wrote back the next morning:
“Good morning! It’s been a pleasure to get to know you, and I hope to see you around the neighborhood. But I’m not interested in being intimate again. Here’s why: In our conversations ahead of the party you set several clear boundaries, and I’m happy to have held those. But then I watched you enthusiastically blow past all of them. Which was your choice, of course. But that choice included a break of trust — for me at least, and maybe for others. And that’s a big turn-off.”

I shared his text with Viktor who immediately asked me how I felt about Jay’s response. Admittedly, there was a brief sting (no one ever wants to be considered a turn off), but I definitely understood and appreciated his perspective and feelings and certainly respected his honesty. Moreover, I felt that it was a fair assessment of what had actually happened.

I further acknowledged to Viktor that his response made it easier to figure out how to go forward because I wasn’t sure I was sufficiently attracted to him if he had wanted to continue, even though I really like him as a person. In looking back, I realize that I was feeling less of a pull to him even in the car on the way to the party, which should have been a flag, but there was nothing to be done at that point anyway, even if I had been aware of it.

And Jay was spot on that it was a break of trust even though he didn’t know the extent of it. Yes, there had been a break of trust between Jay and me, but there had also been one between Viktor and me. Before the event, I had initially agreed not to have sex at a party without Viktor, but while I agreed to this stipulation, it was really only because I didn’t have any desire to have sex with Jay at the party. In reality, I knew that Viktor’s prohibition was a power dynamic thing – he didn’t want me to give something to someone that I hadn’t already given to him – but I didn’t unpack that with him during that discussion, thinking we could address it another (more relevant) time.

But, at the party, in the heat of the moment, I chose what I wanted to do based on what felt right to me and my body and not to anyone else. I felt into my desire and surrendered to it, all the while knowing that it was a breach. And, although I believed that the fact that it was someone Viktor knows (and really likes) would mitigate, but not absolve, the situation, I recognized that I had broken my promise. So, as soon as I got home, I confessed what had happened. Yes, understandably (and justifiably) Viktor was upset, but he was willing to listen and hear me and he saw the truth and honesty of my apology as well. We agreed to continue to revisit and talk about it, but were able to move on in a loving way.

In the wake of all of that, Viktor felt that Jay’s response was interesting because Viktor had come around to my decision to follow my own desire, yet also saw Jay’s point regarding the trust issue. We continued to text back and forth about the topic, further united in how we viewed the encounter and even more connected to one another.

As the day progressed, I thought more and more about Jay’s message. I also took time to reflect on what had happened at the party and realized with stark clarity that I never had any shame or regret at the conclusion of the party.

The most amazing thing about what happened at the party was that I never regretted my actions!

Yes, I felt very badly about potentially hurting Jay and recognized that my behavior toward him may not have been as upstanding as I would have liked (although I realize that the context of bringing a date to a sex party is very different than bringing a date to dinner or the theater, so I am not going to beat myself up about it). But, the revelation that I didn’t feel badly about what I had CHOSEN to do was so freeing! Wow!

Further, I recognized that there was a duality between following my desires, especially at a sex party, versus holding firm to (arbitrary?) boundaries. Can you really script desire? Yes, I set boundaries for myself before heading to the party, but things can (and do) change. Over the past several years, I have been pushing my boundaries (particularly in, and as a result of, my classes with Mama Gena), so it stands to reason that I am going to want to push them as I continue to explore my sexuality.  It is equally notable that I followed my body instead of my head for a change!

Finally, while I acknowledge that a break of trust with anyone is not a great idea and note that my actions may have been inadvertently hurtful, the flip side is that no one has really ever cared about the fallout when I have broken trust with myself – such as by having sex when I didn’t want to. Rather, I am so thrilled that for once I maintained trust with the most important person – ME!

For a change, I was true to me!

So, as I reflect on all that has happened as a result of this one night, I am more committed than ever to standing for MY TRUTH. I am so delighted to be on this journey to better understand my desire and to be open to exploring what feels right in the moment. I trust myself, fully, for the first time!!!

NB: For those of you that don’t speak French or don’t know how to use Google translate, the title of this blog post translates as I Regret Nothing!

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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