Embracing the messy

Unlike what Hollywood would have us believe, sex is messy. I recently read a novel in which the author, Melissa Broder, acknowledges this fact and deliberately writes sex scenes that include periods, erectile dysfunction and other less-than-sexy, less-than-perfect encounters… aka real life.

Yet, somehow even knowing that, it can be hard to let go of these pre-conceived notions of what sex should look like. When we are with our primary or long-term partner, there is less of an issue; less awkwardness wondering if we’re doing it “right,” whatever that means. But, when you are with someone new or that you don’t know well, it can be hard to quiet the mind and not second guess if your actions (and reactions) are on point. Am I being too quiet or too loud? Am I being clear that I like (or dislike) what he is doing? Are my sounds a turn-on or turn-off? Does she mind that my feet are cold?

And while you might have had a conversation about sexual preferences prior to climbing into bed, you can’t anticipate everything or expect someone to be a mind reader (even if they do read your blog 😊) . Accordingly, while it is messy (and perhaps scary), it is prudent to find one’s voice in the moment and communicate more clearly. Do you like when I do this? Or would you prefer I do that? I really enjoy it when you touch me [like this], but less so when you [do that]. Sex certainly doesn’t need to be silent or without words; it’s just not the time to have a discourse on western European politics or some other unrelated topic. And, while these conversations might not sound super sexy, they can actually enhance your experience as you share more about what you want and what is working as you build intimacy with one another.

And, yes, sex will get messy. There are fluids; there are biological miscalculations (😉); and there is life which gets in the way (or not, if we welcome it). It becomes harder to plan out everything especially as your body is slowly changing. Like most women, I bleed monthly, but not always as regularly or as expected. It is a powerful time, not a shameful one as I had been previously made to believe. No, I am not going to deliberately choose to be intimate with a new partner when I am at the height of my menstrual cycle. But, things happen.

Admittedly, I have struggled with the concept of being messy outside of the bedroom as well and consciously chose to explore some of it in my boudoir shoot. Rose petals scattered everywhere, tousled hair and smudged make-up, all added to the allure and the freedom of letting go and being in the moment. So, it is getting easier to embrace my own messiness as well as the messiness in others and in sex.

As we wake the morning after a tryst, blankets are scattered on the floor, sheets are in disarray, garments have been flung far and wide. We embrace the aftermath of those inanimate objects. Why not embrace the messy of us humans? Sex is imperfectly perfect and to expect anything less just doesn’t make sense.