The Importance of Being Earnest

My fifth erotic party was yet again another adventure, filled with unexpected plot twists and turns. Several weeks ago, Jay expressed an interest in attending (after I had shared about the previous parties) and had asked me if I would like to go with him as a couple. I immediately replied yes and looked forward to the event. The theme was Alice in Wonderland: Down the Bunny Hole. I asked him “Alice or Queen of Hearts?” He replied: Alice, to which Viktor then told me that he no longer liked Jay – but, of course, he was only kidding.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men…
Jokes aside, I actually decided that the Queen of Hearts persona was more my style and had fun planning my costume. A few days before the party, Jay and I met for coffee to discuss our intentions and desires for the event. We agreed that full nudity and intercourse at the party was not on the menu because I hadn’t felt comfortable with this idea at the other parties; the thought of being so vulnerable in such a public place filled with me dread, not desire.

We also determined that we were going to go together but with the understanding that we would be free to hang out separately on occasion and that we would check in with one another as the evening proceeded. I told him about Ryan, who would once again be demonstrating Shibari at the party. He had heard about my suspension session with Ryan at the February party, but I now impressed upon him that things had progressed and he seemed OK with it, noting the way I talked about him (Ryan). I also advised Jay that Jake and Mia would be at the party so he wouldn’t be blindsided, as I had had a text from them earlier in the evening, letting me know that they would be in attendance.

That evening, Jay came to my apartment as we had arranged. He looked great in his Mad Hatter- themed attire. We ordered in sushi and I had gotten us a bottle of sake to enjoy with our meal as we kicked off the night in a festive mood. After dinner, we headed to the party. Upon arrival in Brooklyn, I introduced Jay to the party hosts and, soon after, he met Ryan, Jake and Mia. It was both exhilarating and weird to be co-mingled with all of these people in one room but, not surprisingly, I liked the attention. Plus, I was very excited to see Ryan after having had such an amazing time with him earlier in the week.

As planned, Jay and I spent the early part of the party interacting with a few people, enjoying the wine I had brought, hanging out by the fire pit and then partaking of the ritual together. After the ritual, Ryan was available and proceeded to tie and suspend me while Jay looked on. I felt torn between immersing myself in the experience with Ryan and making eye contact with Jay, but did my best to balance both.

Once Ryan had untied the ropes and released me, I headed back over to Jay and we began to kiss and then touch each other more explicitly. I focused on what I was feeling in the moment and was having fun, but when I started to hear myself moaning softly, I became very self-conscious and asked him to stop, which he did. We went back outside to the fire pit and held each other talking and kissing occasionally.

At some point, Ryan came over and asked if I was OK. I told him I was, but that I was eager to be with him. He said he would contrive for all three of us to be together and I readily agreed to this plan, thinking about the positive experience I had had with him and Viktor.

(In a crowded) Space, the final frontier…
Not long after, we were all back downstairs, with Ryan leading me, Mia and Jay to the mattresses. We all started kissing and fondling one another. Mia was kissing me, Jay was touching my breasts, Ryan was holding my hand and I was stroking Mia’s breasts. It was fantastically erotic. Then Mia left and I had the attention of the two men, shifting periodically to kiss one and then the other, while taking turns reaching for their cocks.

Awhile later, Ryan pulled off my panties and went down on me. Around this time, Jay departed the threesome, leaving me and Ryan alone together. I let him go and turned my full attention to Ryan. The world slipped away just like when we were in the pool. I wasn’t aware of the crowds or the noise or anything else. There was only Ryan and me in that moment and then we were having sex. I didn’t feel self-conscious or uncomfortable. Perhaps some of it was due to me not being completely nude – I was still wearing my bra, harness/garters and stockings. I only knew that I really wanted him and didn’t want to stop despite my previous trepidation.

So, I finally did it. I had sex… at a sex party!

Eventually Ryan and I took a break and we agreed I would go find Jay. Once I found him, I asked him if he minded that I wanted to spend more time with Ryan. He asked if I wanted to go home with Ryan. I told him that I really didn’t know; only that I wanted to spend more time with Ryan for now.

Jay said he would leave. I felt badly and knew that this wasn’t what either of us had had in mind when we planned and discussed our intentions, but I couldn’t deny what I was feeling. I couldn’t fake or manufacture desire for Jay that wasn’t currently there nor would I make myself do something I didn’t want to do even if it felt like something I should do. I had done enough of that in the past — sacrificing myself for someone else’s ego, desire,  etc. I love myself and my body too much now to do that ever again.

So, while there was a pang of guilt and regret for potentially hurting Jay — which was definitely not my intention — I pushed past it and let it go. I know that I care about him, but also know that I don’t have an obligation to anyone but myself. I was honest and transparent and while I might have been able to handle the situation slightly differently, I don’t know that it would have been better; just different.

After Jay left, I was hanging out with Jake and Mia and then Jake was telling Mia that he wanted to be with me. I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant but then suddenly he was pulling me toward the mattress area and I found myself obediently following him. We started to play and he went down on me, but I realized that I wasn’t really into it. Yes, I have enjoyed being with Jake in the past but in that instance I really just wasn’t feeling it. Jake said I look tired (I don’t know if I looked tired as much as I looked unenthusiastic) and I admitted that I didn’t really want to be having sex with him. I apologized and he teased me a bit for apologizing since we are friends, and noted that everything was cool between us.

I kissed Jake goodbye and once again found Ryan. We resumed our play with one another, having sex, which was, once again, incredibly orgasmic for me. We then spent the remainder of the night entwined in one another’s arms at the fire pit before we decided to call it a night.

I grabbed a Lyft home and was eventually joined by Viktor, who had been at a rave all night. We quickly updated each other on our respective evenings and then found a final burst of energy to enjoy each other intimately before drifting off to sleep.

In thinking through my night the next day, I realized that I have (previously) gone along to get along for so long. Why? Because it’s easier and less fraught with conflict, but in the end it is destructive. I am finally getting better at truly listening to my body and telling my head to shut up; feeling into what I really want and not simply doing what is expected of me as a friend, a wife, a date or a lover. And, it feels really good.

I still don’t have a good reason for why I didn’t feel more desire for Jay on Saturday night. He didn’t do anything wrong. I just felt less lust in that direction. Was it exclusively due to Ryan’s presence? I don’t know. I did reach out to Jay to apologize for any hurt I may have caused and for the night turning out differently than we had anticipated. Whether he decides he wants to see me again is up to him. I really like him and think he is an awesome person. But, perhaps I have put him in the “friend zone” as a result of so many dinner dates and fewer opportunities to be intimate. I truly don’t know.

For now, I am less concerned about my confusion and am more concerned about feeling into my true desires. This is new territory for me and I am embracing the unknown, finding my truth and honoring my body.

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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