Good Vibrations

liliana-pereira-708261-unsplash.jpgI vaguely remember my first experience with masturbation as a teen – gently rubbing a pillow back and forth against my pussy. I know it felt good, but I don’t recall if I reached orgasm or not. A few years later I discovered the joys of the bathtub, propping my legs up on either side of the faucet and allowing the spray of water to hit me just right. This became my standard way of self-pleasuring with the bonus of being clean, effective and efficient; in the years that followed, I rarely stimulated myself manually.

Then, during my early years of my marriage, I had limited to no desire for sex of any kind including self-pleasure. Plus, in my head, it seemed wrong to indulge alone when I now had a partner (I’ve since drastically changed my stance on this), so I didn’t masturbate at all.

Eventually, I picked up the practice again, but it wasn’t until I took Mama Gena’s Mastery course in 2014 that I really started to explore self-pleasure. Soon after, I finally purchased my first vibrator, overcoming an irrational fear that it would hurt.

Over the past several years, my desire for self-pleasure has ebbed and flowed, but it has become a much more consistent practice and part of my self-care. And, more frequently than not, I pull out my trusty purple pal – a vibrator that I manifested at a holiday party – in pursuit of orgasm.

With each pleasurable session, I am learning more about my body as I explore how different types of stimulation feel. For now, while I am discovering Goddess spot (and other internal) orgasms, I am not sure that these fully bring me to climax. And while I have found that, for me, it is clitoral orgasm that most results in the powerful release I crave, I am eager to continue exploring and learning more.

Yet I do wonder if my use of a vibrator is negatively impacting my ability to reach intense orgasms with my partners. Am I desensitizing my pussy with the use of such an intense sensation? Have I already been desensitized as a result of relying on vibrators and water faucets? I am honestly not sure.

However, while I was somewhat convinced that I had inadvertently trained my body to require intensive stimulation to have a fully satisfying orgasm, Viktor proved me wrong this past weekend. We decided to have a sexy night together, opened up the sleeper sofa in the den and put on some porn to get things started. Then, Viktor began to touch my breasts and, in particular, my nipples, sending jolts throughout my body, before building the heat even further as his touch traveled southward to my pussy and clit. I could feel myself climbing higher and higher until I tumbled wildly over the edge. All I can say is wow!

So, I still have a lot to learn about what it is that makes one scenario more orgasmic than another, but it is certainly a pleasant “task” and I am excited about where such research will lead.

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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