In Jeannie’s recent post, The Big O, she talks about the (often elusive) female orgasm and how there are many (14!) different types of female orgasms. She also refrains from covering the male orgasm as she’s “not an authority here” and partly because the “mechanics for men are more easily understood.” I don’t disagree, and yet there is more to say on this topic, so here we go…
Generally speaking, Jeannie is right – the mechanics of a male orgasm are pretty simple. Arousal and stimulation lead to a climax which, most often, combines both orgasm and ejaculation. And in this scenario there’s practically no “faking” an orgasm for a guys. No ejaculate? No orgasm.
But what if we separated the orgasm from the ejaculation?
Orgasm and ejaculation can be separated! It takes practice and it fits into the tantric practice where mind and body can have independent actions. I talked about tantric breathing recently and this is part of the practice. And while I haven’t spent a lot of time working specifically to separate orgasm and ejaculation (YET) the breathing is having an impact.
Two things happened recently on this journey.
First, during recent intercourse with Jeannie I had an orgasm about 30-45 seconds before ejaculation. In this case, the orgasm was extended and lasted through ejaculation which took some time in itself. Longest orgasm I can recall. And pretty darn amazing!
Second, another recent time during intercourse with Jeannie, I was “spent” but able to continue and bring her to climax. Then, suddenly, during her orgasm, I felt a short, but intense orgasm of my own. There was no ejaculation at all and I felt totally satisfied afterward – no desire to “finish” or anything like that. Probably because I did finish, but in a non-traditional sense.
Hollywood and porn, OH NO!
Jeannie also mentioned what we see from Hollywood and from porn. I want to tackle this as well, and from a male perspective. Dan Savage, host of the Savage Lovecast, and author of so many sex books, has totally changed my perspective on “screen sex” be it R rated Hollywood or X rated porn.
First, remember that what you are seeing is entertainment and nothing more. Everything in entertainment is idealized. No one watches super hero movies and then wonders why they can’t fly. So why watch a porn and then wonder why you don’t have “that sex”?
Second, specific to porn, performers are “unnaturally selected” for traits that are uncommon in the general population yet desirable on camera. (Note that unnatural selection is a scientific term and not something made up by Savage.) Penis size, breast size, flexibility, and ability to shoot cum like Old Faithful – these are all idealized in porn and the performers are selected for these traits. This is why Ron Jeremy, arguably the ugliest man ever in porn, had such a prolific career – he had unnatural talents that outweighed his terrible looks.
Those “money shots” in porn? Quite often a sugary syrup in place of semen.
To take this even further, porn performers may take drugs to help perform. Or, more dramatically, have surgeries like breast and penile augmentation. And many, many “money shots” aren’t even real cum! There’s either a fake penis shoved in front of the camera or a tube hidden on the far side of the real penis that squirts fake cum!!! (Ever notice how many women in porn WANT to eat the stuff? Cause it’s basically a sugary syrup and not the stuff we actually ejaculate. Instead, it’s “dessert.”) This all helps with the entertainment, but it kills our ego because we think we’re all under-performers.
Now that I understand this, I see porn in a totally different way – as pure entertainment. I don’t want to replicate anything I see on screen anymore. And if watching the entertainment is arousing, have at it! But don’t try to emulate it. That’s a recipe for failure.
If you want to understand porn better, and perhaps enjoy it more because of this, check out some of the great documentaries on the industry. Here are two recommendations:
Finally, I really loved Jeannie’s point – we talk about “achieving” orgasm rather than using a less goal-oriented term or, better yet, achieving pleasure. So let’s all stop focusing on the destination, start focusing on the journey. We’ll then be having the best sex ever because it just feels amazing when we’re doing it no matter how it ends!