In the past several weeks since our date, I have been trying to process what happened and how I feel about it. I was fine in the moment and don’t have any regrets, but I think that I had expected more chemistry between Dan and me, so the fact that it wasn’t as sexually satisfying for me was a surprise. And, more puzzling, when I initially reminisced about the actual events, I had a weird feeling – an embarrassment by the intimacy I shared with Dan. This had faded with time, but was both uncomfortable and interesting to me as I explored it further.
Although the saying is that familiarity breeds contempt, which isn’t literally applicable, I do wonder if familiarity added to the awkwardness since we do know each so other well. I think it can be a challenge to transition a platonic relationship to a sexual one, after so many years of friendship. And, yet, we don’t actually know each other. Yes, we’ve been friends for decades, but upon reflection, that doesn’t necessarily translate into real intimacy, especially as we previously only saw each other once or twice a year.
Additionally, with having had three dates over three months with him, I find that it isn’t sufficient for me for truly feel ready for such intimacy. Yes, I do know and trust Dan to put myself in an intimate situation with him. But, in retrospect, I realize that I don’t feel as comfortable with him as I should. During the intimate moments of our date, I wasn’t willing to articulate my needs and really talk to him about what was or wasn’t working.
And, if I can’t do that, I probably have no business being intimate in the first place.
As I continued to think about the experience, I also realize that I had fallen back into bad habits of expecting my turn on to come externally. While old habits die hard, I do need to more actively take responsibility for my own turn on – both owning it and understanding it better.
And, in a final analysis, I wonder how much either of us should invest in this. David is dating others (as he should) and might become exclusive with one of them at some point. And, I clearly am not looking for (another) husband.
This post has taken me several weeks to write as I struggled to truly figure out what I have been feeling. It’s been a lot to unpack and I still don’t have all of the answers. But, I am using this experience to get a better sense of what I want from a sexual experience. I am becoming more and more convinced that such “sexcapades” will continue to be hollow and unfulfilling until I more clearly understand how to turn myself on, stay engaged with my partner and be willing to share what I am thinking and feeling in the moment.
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