Chapter One Comes to a Close

close up of heart shape

As I shared previously, meeting Hank truly kicked off this whole Summer of Sexiness. It was as if I had been awakened from a long, sexless slumber and felt more alive, more turned on than ever before. I was so excited to receive his texts and really looked forward to our dates and sexual encounters.

And, early on, he expressed genuine interest in me, making me feel wanted and desired. He also alluded to possible future plans and treated me very well, meeting me at the subway, making sure I got home safely and otherwise ensuring that I felt cared for and cared about.

But, as time went on, the texts grew further and further apart and were less sexy and more vague. He would frequently indicate that “we will make that happen” about something, but wouldn’t be direct about asking me out or trying to schedule a date to *actually* make it happen. I began to feel like I was chasing him and, at one point, even thought he was ghosting me and was minutes away from sending a text to call him out on his disappearance when he finally reached out to say hello. This wasn’t the fun, alluring experience I had envisioned or expected. Yet, I still wanted things to work, so I decided to overlook the lack of communication.

Plus, during our initial conversations, Hank had appeared eager to learn more about Tantra and other sexually-related topics, having not had any previous experience in these areas. We had talked about me serving as his sensual muse, an idea which he seemed to like. Unfortunately, none of this transpired. And, I was always the one to orchestrate our dates – suggesting themes such as the sensual picnic, doing a strip tease for him and playing with sex toys together.

Then, a few weeks ago, our date to go to the NY Botanic Gardens was changed due to the extreme heat, but then cancelled due to illness on Hank’s part. We finally rescheduled our date a few weeks later, but it wasn’t an actual date as much as he came over and we made out and engaged in oral sex. Afterward, he did note that he was hungry and took me out for drinks and tapas at our local Spanish restaurant. But, in my opinion, it was more a date by accident than by design. I began to question if I still wanted a relationship with him.

More recently, he texted to say that he was thinking that a 69 might be fun. I agreed. He replied, “We should make it happen,” to which I asked why he so frequently used that expression rather than being direct. He suggested that it meant the same thing as “When are you free?” I advised him that, in fact, it isn’t, but did send him some possible dates and we picked a day to meet.

Almost two full weeks went by without any contact from him and then he texted to say hello and confirm if we were still on for later in the week as scheduled. When I asked him what the plans were, he simply noted that he was done with work at 1:30 and asked if he should come uptown to my apartment and also asked if I were going to S Factor that evening. In other words, he wasn’t going to suggest any plans other than coming over for the 69 he wanted.

I decided that this felt too much like a “booty call” than an actual date and also felt very disconnected from him due to the sparse contact. I told him that I thought we should cancel given that I would be up late the night before and getting up early the day of. But, I really knew that it was over and wanted to be honest with him.

So, I texted him the next day and shared that things weren’t progressing as I had expected when we first started dating and that I wanted and deserved more. I don’t know that he fully understood what I was saying, but he did acknowledge my text graciously and we parted on good terms. Plus, I realized that there were other things about him that would never change, so he could never truly be what/who I wanted from him, so it didn’t matter what he did or didn’t understand, as long as he knew we were done.

While I didn’t regret my decision to say goodbye to Hank, I had started to think that I was asking for too much – such as we women are often conditioned to think – but then my friend Dan modeled exactly the behavior I was looking for when we met up for dinner and drinks last week. So, it confirmed that what I want is definitely doable and reasonable.

In one way, I am sorry to see this relationship end as it was not only so promising from the beginning, but also because it was the initial spark to this journey and for that I am forever grateful. But, I am equally grateful for the full experience, which has given me the opportunity to learn so much about myself and about what I do (and don’t) want.

Yes, in many ways, this journey is about sex, but I am recognizing that I want these relationships to be more holistic experiences. I want to be wooed; I want to be worshipped; I wanted to be wanted and desired. And, while I am not looking to fall in love with anyone, I still crave a connection as well. So, Hank’s chapter has come to a close and I eagerly await to see what the next one has in store for me.

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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