One day during an S Factor class, my teacher asked me, “What is your desire? How do you want to be fucked?” Tears welled in my eyes as an intense wave of sadness washed over me because I really didn’t know the answer. I felt angry with myself, but also with Viktor. How did we get here? How could I not know how I wanted to be fucked? And, if I didn’t know, how could I expect Viktor to know? And, if Viktor didn’t know, how could I expect to be fucked the way I wanted to be?
This question has haunted me for nearly a year. I have thought about it over the months, feeling into the space of where I was and where I am now. Through my S Factor journey, I have slowly made progress as I have stepped both into my vulnerability and into my power more explicitly than ever before. I am feeling these emotions more acutely as I shift my attention, change up my music choices, don a pair of black, patent, thigh-high stiletto boots and allow my body to move in new ways. I feel myself reaching out for the answer, which still hovers just outside my grasp. But… I am getting closer.
My recent experiences with Kevin and Jake have provided me with a clearer glimpse of what I might want. Throughout those encounters, I reveled in the sweetness of surrender; in the joy of letting go and just being – remaining fully in my body and not in my head; rooted in the depths of desire. As I was tied up, I was no longer tied to the rush of thoughts in my head. I took great delight in being possessed by another; by giving myself over to him, to the masculine energy; opening up with wild abandon; absent of fear, of anxiety and of any power struggle. I want to feel all of this coupled with the height of ecstasy; riding wave after wave of orgasm, culminating in pure bliss and contentment.
But writing all of this still feels empty and incomplete. I feel that there is more to the story; more to what I need to truly be possessed; to let go completely and fully, without effort. There is still a lingering sadness as I wait for the answer, but I buoyed with hope as this journey continues to unfold and teach me so much about myself, my body and my desire.
Photo by John Rocha on Pexels.com